i had worked out a deal with my roommate, where i would pay for half of the internet connection and he would in return let me use his computer. however, as we have very little time and he is on the computer all the time, we no longer have that deal. i did find a cybercafe about 10 minutes away, but $1 per hour...i'm not going back. i've already blown $20 there and i've only been there 2 times...
i guess alot has happened since the last entry. i will attempt to summarize what i remember as important:
- the one who sits on the throne has a very strong personality. he is rude, crude, hilarious, insightful, misogynistic, a feminist, materialistic, unattached, simple, complicated, short, flashy, and VERBOSE! he has been here for 3 consecutive weeks, teaching the classes and lecturing. apparently that is quite special, so i guess that means he is usually present at the training for less than 3 weeks?. he has however flown off this weekend to tend to other business. i have had several random interactions with him. some in class and some outside of class. we had to present the first dialogue (the actual verbal instructions for the postures) on a mic, in front of the herd. he told me that i had hands down, the sexiest voice in the room. he asked me where i was from (i introduced myself as a korean-texan living in paris). he insinuated that i should stay here...
- my practice is getting much better. the biggest improvement i see is in my breathing excercises. i have never breathed like this, ever. very much related this, i am proud to state that i have not smoked anything in 3 weeks, as of today. i am even more proud to state that i know that i have finally quit smoking. somehow, i know this in my heart. i am improving in my other postures as well. i am becoming more flexible and my endurance is improving. my thighs have gotten very muscular. i noticed that when i put on a pair of my french (meaning form fitting) jeans, and the jeans were VERY tight around my thighs. my hamstrings and butt are EXTREMELY sore. i am able to stretch most of it out during the classes (especially the evening class), but as soon as my body cools down, i tighten up very quickly. the soreness has spread to my lower bag. and last week, my shoulders have become sore and very fatigued. i located that fatigue and soreness to my upper back, especially around both scapula.
- i have come down with something that is like a cold? i do not have a fever, but my sinuses feel as if i am congested. and i am coughing up some nasty mucus. i do not know for sure, but i know that i am coughing up more than 10 years of crap from cigarettes and marijuana.
- i have started getting to know more people, and some people a little better. i have had some great conversations with others, about life, about the program, about yoga...i am still very quiet about my own personal issues. i guess i have always been that way.
- this week, i had to sit out a few postures here and there. i was quite angry about myself, considering that i had been able to complete the classes during the first 2 weeks. i kept finding my mind wandering, and constantly fighting itself - yes you can finish the class. no you are tired, sit out the posture. yes. no. this. that. i could not focus my mind. as i write this, i realize that i had some anger last week. and that anger spilled over into my yoga classes. however, the last 3 classes of the week, i did complete the classes. my mind was still struggling, i was fighting myself, but i did at least make my mind up, and the yes beat the no.
- last nite, i went out to dinner with a group of people, a senegalese-french, 2 colorado people, an aussie, a colombian living in ibiza, a chilean living in vancouver, someone from michigan, a californian...and some other people i can't remember. we went to a "japanese" bbq place. total korean bbq rip off, but anyhow. everyone nervously brought up the question concerning alcohol...to drink or not to drink. in the end everyone drank. i had some beer. we had a great time. we then met up with another group (who also had obviously voted as we had) at a bar. we joined forces and went to a nightclub. we somehow met the owner, got free drinks and a pile of complimentary passes. we all danced until 2 and had a great time. i skipped the optional 10am class, and slept in until 2pm! i was so excited and happy to have slept in. that is the most rest i have gotten since i have arrived here. i know my body desperately needed it.
- today:
i have thought of many things today. i thought about last nite. i had a great time. but i was a bit disappointed that i broke down and had alcohol. i had planned to not do any of that during the training. but i accept it. i can honestly say that it was worth it. i met alot of people, i had a good time, we all blew off some steam. last nite has made me decide a few things today. i will not drink alcohol throughout the remainder of this program. nor will i smoke marijuana. tobacco, i have already quit. this part may worry some of you, but i have decided to stop my medication. before you start worrying and thinking, i want to share how i came to this decision.
- how i came to this decision:
everyone keeps speaking about the purification process of this program. the detoxification. physically speaking. mentally speaking. even the s word (spiritually). and i do firmly believe this. whether modern/western medicine and science ever proves or disproves any of this, i know (for myself) that it really is purifying. i am in detox. i belive the flu like systems that i have and coughing is very much a result of my decision to not smoke and my 3 weeks of being smoke free. i know that i am breathing profoundly and very differently than before. i believe the moments of peace and joy that i am finding is very much a result of my intensive yoga practice. and being in paradise definitely helps! i believe that my body is physically healing. every drop of sweat, i am squeezing out whatever unhealthy things are in my body...EXCEPT, for the prescription pills i am taking. i know, everyone will say that i should maybe ween myself off, and that quitting cold turkey is unintelligent and unhealthy. perhaps it is. perhaps it isn't. but what i do know is, i know somewhere deep inside me, that i can and that i should completely clean myself now. when i can. when i want to. i know that there will never be an opportunity like this one, ever again in my life. i know that i am supposed to be here (and believe me, i do not believe in fate or etc.). i know that this is the best thing i can do for myself. i know that this is the best thing i have ever done for myself. i know that i do not need any crutches to continue my life. i know that ultimately, i know what is best for myself.
i have continued to feel a transformation in my life since the day i decided to check myself into the hospital. sometime during my hospital stay, i had mentioned to several people, that i really do feel that i have a new chance to live my life. that i myself hold what is within my control, within my own hands. perhaps that is redundant, but this is an important realization for myself. i really do feel a sense of continuity from the hospital, to paris, to here...
i have confided this decision, about my medication to one person in this program. for some reason, we met a few weeks ago, and he poured his heart out to me that night. i later found out that he had almost quit the program and left that day - he thanked me for having some kind of influence on his decision to not leave and to stick it out. i am sharing this with him, so perhaps this will quell at least some of the practical worries any of you may have.
i have an anatomy test to study for tomorrow, and many dialogues to memorize.
i will be keeping up with this blog much more regularly. i guess we'll see about that. i leave this entry, open-minded, with an open heart, determined, focused, profoundly sore and tight (physically), optimistic, scared, excited, tired, sore, and sore. and sore.
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