waves

i had a bout of frustration this evening. i had a horrible evening class. i physically felt ill. at one point, i felt panicked and knew that i had to get up and run out. i grabbed a wastebasket and dry heaved and gagged for awhile, but didn't get sick. i drank some pedialyte, and went back in the room. it's strange, i couldn't draw a line to identify if it was a physical motivation for leaving the room or if it was something inside my head. i guess the funny thing is, i'm learning that perhaps there is no line, or at least no clear line. i guess it hurt my pride more than anything. however, the tide turned later on this evening. i had a pretty good performance of my dialogue today. my group was very supportive and loudly cheered the obvious improvement.

i don't understand what it is, but i still don't understand how 90 minutes in a hot room, moving your body in various positions can make you have a full frontal collision with yourself. every intention, every motion, motivation, discouragement, faith or lack of, wandering and focused mind, thoughts...you really begin to look yourself honestly. the hard part for me, and perhaps many, is accepting whatever you see as yourself, WITHOUT approval nor disapproval. without judgement...

tomorrow is another day. no expectations. no nothing. tomorrow doesn't even exist...