sleeping through the melodrama

i felt so out of my body at the evening class today. at one point i was not remembering where the hell i was. probably not a good thing, but i'm fine now. i really need to work on not being so extreme. i need to pace myself better, last week i was just drained towards the end of the week. a friend told me that she used to do the same thing i do now...i just push myself and just kill myself. lately, it's not working, i am obliterated by the end of the week. so my new mantra: pace yourself. i guess that was one of my mantras in the hospital, pacing myself. not in such a goddamned rush like i've felt my entire life. hurried. early.

as far as the practical things go, the posture clinic comedy continues. dialogue after dialogue, i am actually bothering to memorize the postures. i basically only study the damned thing during my meals. lunch and dinner. which is about 2 hours a day. it's probably giving me indigestion. it's unbelievably frightening to get in
front of 40 to 50 of your peers and perform a monologue. i mean, dialogue. but i guess i'm getting better at the performance part. i don't get so damned scared like i did in the beginning performances..

ground hog's day. that's what many yogis are calling yoga camp. even the hilarious rules and enforcement of rules. i think half the appeal of this teacher training is the camp like environment. school like. and add a pampered version of boot camp. roommates. classes. lectures. tests. physical exercise. performances. talent show. yearbook commitee. picture day portraits for the yearbook. directory. you spend the entire day (08:30-23:00 to 01:00) with 300 something people. in class. out of class. inbetween classes. in your room. in the bathroom. at lunch. and dinner. and any snacks between meals (you never eat anything you really like in front of others in close quarters or you will most likely find yourself sharing your snacks with neighbors). you see each other everywhere. it's hilarious to think about it. i guess it's like a 9 week spa that kicks your ass a little bit (mostly at your own convenience) over the most mundane and sometimes utterly pointless and unbelievably boring. constipation inducing boring (much more often than i expected). the entertainment value of the various yoga camp activities has severely diminshed. and again, much more than i expected, the relevance to the practice and teaching of yoga is often unclear, very loose or completely irrelevent. sometimes, annoyingly so.

unsurprisingly, melodramatic sob stories unfold. all sorts of childish melodramas. and only sometimes entertaining.

as 7 weeks have passed, most people seem to have found a closer, smaller group of people you actually do enjoy spending time with. relationships of practicality. perhaps friendship. perhaps one in the same?

i'm beat. this school boy better get to bed.

east side

yesterday i had been invited to go to a beach on the east side of oahu. so today i went with a group of 4 (2 indian yogis from the u.k. and south africa, an american yogi from florida and a canadian yogi from vancouver) in a giant rental cadillac. i guess it's kind of the "we all went straight from high school to university and started working and we didn't like it very much so why not more school, but not real school, cause that's really too much work, so why not yoga school" group. but we're still type a-ish, so we can't do just any kind of yoga school, we have to do the extreme hot yoga" group. nice people. we had a fun and relaxing time at a nice calm beach with the most crystal clear shades of blue waves breaking 3 ft from the shore...you could ride these giant waves just a few steps into the water. the incredibly strong undertow would pull you out towards the sea. you ride the wave in and let the undertow take you back out.

after playing in the sun, we stopped to grab lunch. we took advantage of having a car and went grocery shopping at a local japanese style wal-mart. i bought food for the week.

it felt great to get the hell outta the hotel. and take a break from yoga (not including the 8am class) camp. although everyone seemed to not be able to stop talking about yoga, albeit bitching about yoga.

later today, i went to eat korean bbq with some japanese yogis (from bruxelles, tokyo, l.a. and nyc.), 1 chinese yogi (from hong kong), and a british yogi (from australia). we feasted.

as if we didn't eat enough, we walked to a local ice cream shop and had ice cream. i already had a shake for lunch, i have been craving ice cream though (i also bought some mochi ice cream at the grocery store).

i went for a nice bike ride to burn some calories. i think tomorrow, the rental car group may go up to the mountain (where i rode my bike) and do a short waterfall hike and get to see a panoramic view of honolulu and diamond head.

maybe. if everyone can manage to get up.

some random observations: by this time, everyone is so bored that people that never ever talk to each other are starting to talk to each other. people are letting their guards down and i guess you start getting to really know what the 300 people are more like.

i should be a good boy and go to a make up class tomorrow morning...(punishment for forgetting to sign into a 5:00 class). i hear my mochi ice cream calling my name (i haven't fixed my ice cream crave).f

sleeping yogis

today i could have given a flying fuck about yoga. i'm exhausted. i'm sick of doing yoga. talking yoga. memorizing yoga. yogis. eating. drinking. pissing. the hotel. i'm so looking forward to the weekend. many fellow yogis have been sharing the same sentiments. i guess we're all a bit burned out. we had a lecture tonite by the chair of the UCLA medical school. it was all about menstruation. go figure. i had a nice nap though, for about 2 hours, until i was awoken by the sleep patrol.

they have been cranking the heat up in the room. we are dropping like flies. one more class until the weekend. i am definitely taking it easy this weekend, especially since i have to go to the sunday morning makeup class for forgetting to sign in the other day.

beach and sleep sounds good to me. one more yoga class and the weekend is here! pictures coming this weekend!

turret's syndrome and hip hip hooray

i had a very strong morning class. perhaps i pushed it a bit too much, i ran out of gas in tonite's class. it was taught by a very funny, talkative, high energy, flamingly gay new yorker. the entire class ran out of gas tonite. it is by far the most bizarre class i have taken. multiple people fainting, passing out and falling, people getting severe cramps, muffled crying, open wailing, coughing (some bizarre illness going around), people getting up and running out, pedialyte being delivered to people on their mat's, and somehow, half the class contracted turret's syndrome. somewhere in the middle of the floor series, people start yelling out. open the door! open the fucking door! yeah! open the fucking door! it was extremely hot and humid tonite. and there was absolutely no air flow whatsoever. and i'm not sure if there is any fresh air being pumped into the room. as a fellow yogi described to me, at one point the room (from the front) looked like the aftermath of a bomb explosion - bodies laying everywhere. so when people started blurting out about the door, one of the teachers yelled back to tell them to shut up. then i hear fuck you. come make me shut up. bring it on. then it turned into a yelling match. i was utterly confused. i thought there was going to be a showdown in the yoga room. a brawl. mass chaos. rioting. but then they finally opened the doors. then another group of people started yelling to shut the fucking door. you shut the fuck up. no you shut the fuck up. back and forth. what a strange class, perhaps the strangest i will ever take?

later tonite, in the posture clinics, i did my performance, and i did pretty damned good (my best so far), except for one spot where i froze up. when i finished, the room cheered and screamed really loud for me (a fellow yogi told me that i got the loudest screams and applause thus far into yoga camp). it felt really good (not that i got the applause, but to know that i did well and my peers were cognizant of it and were genuinely happy with me). whenever i have to "perform," i completely black out. i go into automatic mode and don't remember anything that happened. but tonite it was a little different. i actually heard the applause. of course most of it, i don't remember. i hope that by the end of yoga camp, i will not completely black out and actually be present and aware of what i am doing even when i am "performing."

but for today, hip hip hooray. open the fucking door.

bacon and coke

i guess what i wrote last nite, sounds pretty scary. melodramatic. dramatic. but what do i expect, i'm hanging out with 300 something people at yoga camp! and despite what i write, yoga camp is not all blood, sweat and tears. for example, tonite, i found out that i am "very popular with the japanese girls". i found this out from a fellow yogi i ran into. i asked her name and she told me. i told her my name, but she already knew it. because i'm mr. popular with the japanese ladies. later in the evening, i ran into another yogi, we exchanged names, but she also knew my name. apparently i am the ladies' yogi...that's right. at least with the japanese ladies.

last saturday's korean bbq outing will be returning this saturday, by popular demand. in fact, i think the group of 3 will possibly more than quadruple in number!

although i have become a very healthy eater in the past 5 weeks, tonite was a good reminder of my past. i was at the local convenience store staring off into the refrigerated space. then i saw the packaged pork. bacon. it was begging me to take it home with me. so i did. and made a giant bats (bacon, avocado, tomato, sprouts) sandiwch with sriracha. AND a nice cold coke. it's my 2nd coke in 5 weeks! i also quit coffee (for now). AND i am still smoke free. in fact, i hardly even think about cigarettes. tonite, i was waiting at a crosswalk and there was a guy smoking a cigarette there. it smelled bad. wow.

today was a nice day. i found out i had a fan club of sorts. i ate bacon. i drank coke. i had a nice surprise phone call. i can' complain...

things fall apart

i had a really difficult class this morning. i had that same physical sensation as i did in class last evening - all of a sudden i felt an overwhelming sense of nausea, my head started spinning, i started seeing bright colors, i started gagging and my throat started constricting so that i felt that i could no longer breath. all i could i think was get the fuck up and get the fuck out of the room as fast as i could. yesterday, i succumbed to that feeling, i got the fuck out of the room. today, i don't know why i am so bullheaded at times, but i didn't listen to myself. i stayed in the room. i puked a little on my towel (discretely i hope), but once the gagging went away, i just laid back down in my own vomit (it was mostly water). at the end of the class, i laid there in my own misery and suddenly, something just clicked in my head. i realized that i had been thinking about my father. about how he died. about that day i found him dead. i don't remember how much or with whom i shared any of that day's events. but all of a sudden, i thought of that day. and to my own discomfort, i saw that day vividly.

i had gone to the restaurant that morning. early as usual. actually, a little earlier than usual, cause i wanted to swing by the gym. i had just entered the restaurant, checked the voicemail, looked through the guest book, and my phone rang. i learned that my father had never come home the previous night. i called his cell phone, no answer. no one knew his whereabouts. one way or another, i found myself driving to my father's office. i don't know why, but the whole time i knew inside my stomach that things were very wrong. the night before i had very strange dreams (later on, i found that my brother also shared those dreams). for whatever reason, i had this disgusting, nauseating, awful dread, churning in my stomach. as i got closer to the office, i drove faster and faster, as if how quickly i got there might have an affect on what i would discover. i'll never forget coming up on the shopping center where his office was located. the moment i saw the police cars and the ambulance, i went numb. i parked. i got out of the car, legs shaking. i ran to the office. i ran upstairs. i saw the police officers.

what i knew in the pit of my stomach, i now knew without a doubt was true. my father was hanging. everything after my arrival is still a blur. a big messy blur of cops, and detectives, and my father's friends, and work people, and people from the medical examiner's office, just one big fucking horrible mess.

next thing i know i am at my father's home, breaking the news to everyone. then i found myself at the funeral home making arrangements. it's so fucking weird to make funeral arrangements. you pick a package, and package a includes this, package b...blahblahblah...what casket would you like. what box would you like the casket buried in. tombstone? flowers? how would you like to pay for that? we need a deposit? very fucking strange and inappropriate at a time of loss. a blur. i'm standing in front of my father's naked embalmed corpse. taking pictures. still drunk from the countless beers i drank not sleeping the night before in an attempt to numb myself. trying to keep my balance standing on a chair over his dead body, with disposable cameras, taking pictures. of him. the scarring around his neck. his body. the fresh scars from where they removed the flesh and fluids that keeps the body alive.

simultaneously, i discovered how big and how fucking horrible the mess really was. the legal problems that i discovered. the fucking mind games and lawyers and fuck. the fake burial. having his casket removed from the ground after the fake burial. getting a second autopsy. the real burial. all of that fucking mess just came up in my head today.

perhaps that choking feeling is somehow like the noose that was around my father's neck. it had been choking me slowly. the life slowly draining from my body. what killed him in an instant, was slowly killing me. i guess since i got out of the hospital, i haven't really thought much of these things. but today i realized that it was still inside my head. inside of me. the invisible noose, still surreptiously tightening ever so slightly. unnoticed. and i saw it. i figured it out. it was gagging me. it was choking me. it was making me physically ill. it was telling me to get the fuck up and get the fuck out. run away. get away.

i keep hearing that the only way out, is through it, head on. there is no other way. what has been haunting me perhaps to this very day, i was able to recognize - i looked at it head on. i wanted to go right through it. so tonite, i felt that familiar choking feeling. the nausea. the voice. get up. get out. run away. and perhaps for the first time, i faced it. i looked at square in the eyes. head on. there was no other way. the only way out, was through it. i fought it. i accepted it. i let it hurt me. i hurt it. the panic fleeting. nerves calming. nausea leaving. the grip around my neck no more. i could breath again. the voices quiet. i stayed there. there was no where else to be. no where else to go. nothing else to do. other than to stay in that moment, in the hot room, on my sweat soaked towels, straining, fighting, stretching, pushing, pulling, breathing, sweating...with a happy smiling face...

waves

i had a bout of frustration this evening. i had a horrible evening class. i physically felt ill. at one point, i felt panicked and knew that i had to get up and run out. i grabbed a wastebasket and dry heaved and gagged for awhile, but didn't get sick. i drank some pedialyte, and went back in the room. it's strange, i couldn't draw a line to identify if it was a physical motivation for leaving the room or if it was something inside my head. i guess the funny thing is, i'm learning that perhaps there is no line, or at least no clear line. i guess it hurt my pride more than anything. however, the tide turned later on this evening. i had a pretty good performance of my dialogue today. my group was very supportive and loudly cheered the obvious improvement.

i don't understand what it is, but i still don't understand how 90 minutes in a hot room, moving your body in various positions can make you have a full frontal collision with yourself. every intention, every motion, motivation, discouragement, faith or lack of, wandering and focused mind, thoughts...you really begin to look yourself honestly. the hard part for me, and perhaps many, is accepting whatever you see as yourself, WITHOUT approval nor disapproval. without judgement...

tomorrow is another day. no expectations. no nothing. tomorrow doesn't even exist...

starbucks and bike envy

i didn't make it to my makeup class this morning, i was too busy sleeping. i guess i'll make it up next sunday, since i don't really care to go to a weekday makeup class at 6am then do the regular morning class at 8:30am...making it a 3 class day. speaking of sleeping, i slept until 2 or 3 in the afternoon today. i guess i needed it. so i skipped out on the north shore road trip as well.

i've been frequenting a starbucks further away from the hotel when i want to avoid the yoga crowd. i got my drink free today! i'm working on the free drinks at the starbucks across the street from the hotel - i have a good feeling about it, i do believe it's coming soon.

i spent the rest of today studying for my dialogue performance. as i will spend the rest of tonite doing the same. my shoulder feels better. maybe it was good to skip a day of yoga all together.

the other day, i was walking my bike home as i was walking home with a friend. an old vw bug stops in the middle of the road next to me and asks how much i want for the bike. i told the lady it wasn't for sale. she asked me again how much. i apologized and said no. alot of the yoga people have seen me on my bike, and they all wish they had brought a bicycle...

closest thing to asia

after morning class, i took a shower and went to the ala moana center to go study at barnes and nobles, but i haphazardly discovered a korean traditional dance and drum performance. i was very happy for the pleasant surprise. it's strange, how i immediately relate to such things as being from my culture, as being somehow me. it's not like i grew up around that stuff, but somehow it's programmed in me nonetheless, essential? after, i went for a long bike ride. it was beautiful as usual. it's extremely hot considering my location and the position of the earth in relation to the sun (something about summer solstice something).

i met up with 2 people from the program, a married guy from hong kong and a married gal living in singapore (i think she's from hong kong), and went to a naeng myun and kalbi place. it was delicious. the company was nice too, we have all been married about the same time, we have similar sensibilities, and we all like to eat. it was great. we all had a cold draft beer as well. we've already extended invitations to each other to visit...i really enjoy talking to them.

it's strange, i still felt quite out of my body today. i don't know if it's the fatigue or what, but perhaps i am a bit busy, especially in my mind. i guess this is the most active i have been in quite some time. i don't feel overwhelmed, but like there is so much going on. i never thought yoga camp would be so busy. and it has become a yoga camp...all the drama, the cliques, the relationships...

i had considered going to catch a movie, but i don't feel like riding my bike out there and then having to bike back after the movie. the pot luck lunch has evolved into a rent a car and go to the north shore trip...i want to go visit, but i'm so tired, i may just stay in and go to the beach and take it easy by myself. and study.

my roommate is going through a midlife crisis of sorts...he's in his 40's and recently divorced, father of 2...he keeps talking about how young he feels, and how he's gotten a compliment of looking like a teenager, and i think he owns more trendy island wear (i.e. board shorts, plaid shorts, flip flops) than i do. good thing i already had my crisis and got it out of the way...

at dinner tonite, i was talking about how this is the closest to asia i've ever been. shit, you can find kalbi and rice at the wal-mart snack place. you can get rice as a side (as opposed to toast) at ihop. most of the locals look like me. hell, most of the tourists look like me. for once, it pays to be a gook. the two friends at dinner also stated that they felt comfortable here, in the sense that non-white cultures are much more mainstream and influential on the life/culture here.

well, i have had my share of red meat this weekend. i think i will skip the north shore outing tomorrow, i should really get some much needed rest. and i need to catch up on my studying. i have a 10am class tomorrow anyhow...but today is saturday, and i will take it easy. i love island life. even as a worthless yogi wannabe on pseudo vacation...or perhaps especially because i am a worthless yogi wannabe that i love island life?

friday

after evening yoga class, they graciously excused us for the day...so i am sitting in a starbucks blogging and reading and doing nothing but just taking it easy. alot of people were going out tonite, but i wanted to get a break from all the other yogis for a night. i'm going to eat korean with some people tomorrow night. then sunday at noon, there is a pot luck lunch that i will be going to. but for tonite, i wanted some alone time, away from my roommate, away from the yogis, away from the hotel...just some nice quiet time for myself. i guess i learned about alone time when i was at the hospital. it was there that i realized that this solitude was/is important.

i am debating what to have for dinner...eat some pho or get a big burger with fries or go get pancakes and breakfast food? hopefully i will decide something by the end of this entry. i plan to take it easy tonite and get some sleep.

my shoulder is still bothering me. i tried to really be gentle with it tonite. this morning i forced it, but...

i felt completely out of my body today, all day long. i just couldn't get my brain to work today. alot of other people mentioned similar experiences. perhaps we were all a little burnt out today.

i'm even sick of writing about yoga...i'm gonna go eat a giant burger with fries and a large coke! yumyum!

sleepyhead

i guess the exhaustion hit me hard...i slept right through morning class today! i felt like a dumbass going to one of the teachers to tell them that i slept through class, but she was nice about it. i have a makeup class to do on sunday morning. yay. i go to the sunday class anyhow. i've been having a hard time getting used to not sleeping much - my meds at night really knock me out cold. and i'm just not sleeping enough i think - oh well, they claim and claim that doing yoga gives you more energy, so i'm waiting for some more energy.

my left shoulder has become inflamed and sore...right at the joint. it's nothing serious, but it's enough to change my postures. i actually got some mirror space today (prime real estate) and noticed that my posture is changing to compensate for my lack of ability to move my left arm normally. i am starting to feel the soreness and slight pain spread to my scapula and my upper back...i did take it easy in tonite's class, although only after i already forced my way through the postures that affects my shoulder the most. i'm such a dumbass about things sometimes, my body tells me to let it rest, but my dumbassness tells me to force my way through it...

i've developed a bad starbucks habit. i get a "grande no water chai"...one of the guys who works there knows my drink now....AND i get a 3 cent discount (it comes out to 4.03). wow. the whole milk makes me gaseous, but i can't live without dairy.

speaking of, it's strange how healthy i eat now. i guess first and foremost, i eat more reasonable quantities of food. before i would eat until i couldn't eat anymore, but now i eat a reasonable amount of food. i always liked eating vegetables, but i eat more of them. fruits as well. all in it's raw state most of the times. i've cut down on my meat consumption, no more giant burgers and steaks whenever i feel like it. i haven't had a coke in 4 weeks (i get sparkling water when i crave the carbonation. it isn't ever completely satisfying, but it makes me burp). don't get me wrong, i still love kebabs(gyros), burgers, steaks and fries, i just don't eat it as often. BUT, i am feeling a little too new agey and healthy and uppity, so saturday, i'm gonna go get me a big burger with fries and wash it down with a giant coke.

i guess i'm still a bit frustrated. i'm trying to be more cognizant of my thought process. specifically my tendency to develop certain expectations for myself. when i first got here, the first 2 weeks, i was very present in the present. i was very aware of taking everything as it came. i was relaxed. i did what i could at the moment to my best ability, without any specific expectations. somewhere between then and now, i've lost that. i keep setting these concrete goals and requirements for myself, and in the end, it is leading to frustration. i guess i've gotten caught up in my environment, where many of the people are very comparative and competitive. so long boring thought short, my priority now is to find that presence i had when i first came here. to let go of whatever expectations my mind continues to create for myself. i know that this thought process is wasteful and the root of my frustration (perhaps?).

it is almost friday, one full day and a saturday morning class and it is the weekend! i plan to go hiking and get out of the hotel, out of waikiki, and into some quiet lush greenery up in the mountains...i must say, although i missed class this morning, damn that was some yummy tasty much needed sleep!

random acts of kindness and how quickly things can change

i was still exhausted in the morning class. i sat out a few postures and tried to shut my pride up and just accept that i was tired and i did want i needed to do for my body. after class, i went to starbucks to study for today's presentation...2 girls i know only well enough to say hi in passing were there having lunch. although i do not know them and they do not know me, they saw me studying and told (not asked) me to come over and study with them. one of the girls is in my group, so she knew that i was having some trouble with the presentations. she sat there for 45 minutes, with her friend, helping me with my presentation. and because of that, i had a good presentation today. it felt good, the whole group cheered really loudly for me. i haven't talked to either of the girls since, but i am grateful for their kindness. it's strange (although it should not be, and perhaps what is really strange is that i find this strange) how a bunch of strangers (to varying degrees and none a total stranger) can find time and energy everyday to keep tabs on each other. i don't mean any serious personal investment, just general respect and looking out for a fellow human being...

the evening yoga class was very hard - hot and humid (redundant) and taught by the teacher who likes to keep you extra long in all the difficult postures. BUT, i set my mind to it and i had a good class. plus the random kindness. plus the good presentation. i had a good rejuvenating, optimistic, healing day (i hope i'm not sounding all new age-y).

i guess i had one of those very subtle insights that ever so softly shows itself for a fraction of a millisecond - it was at starbucks. i sat there alone, studying...and i realized that alot of people from the program who were also visiting starbucks knew my name, would say hi to me and talk to me. i realized for the first time in a long time that people notice me. that i am here. present. and that i am connected to the people around me. that i am interconnected to everything around me. that i can act and cause a reaction. that i can react from another person's action. it seems so stupid, trivial, elementary - but it was an important realization for me today.

i feel good right now as i get ready for bed. and tomorrow when i awake, i will try my best to attempt and to accept my choices and myself and where i sit (literally and figuratively)....i am falling asleep writing this...

vomiting and frustration

i ran out in the middle of the evening class, ran to the restroom, and proceeded to vomit my lunch. i rinsed my mouth out, went back to reenter the class. before entering, i asked one of the teachers for some electrolytes. she asked me what was going on and how i was feeling. i told her i just needed to vomit, so i did, and now wanted some pedialyte so i could go back in the room and finish my class. she asked me if my vomiting affected my medication...so i guess all the staff are on alert about me? so anyhow, i went back into class and finished it just fine, other than some yummy acid burps.

later in the evening, i was the 2nd to last to present. i fucking knew my presentation word for word, verbatim. i get up to present it...and it's another story. they told me what everyone keeps telling me, yesterday and today - let your nerves go. they know that i know my presentation...i guess.

anyhow, i'm frustrated. i walked out of a yoga class (which i told myself i would not do) AND i had a shitty presentation. the thing about the presentation is that i used to be good at shit like that. i guess i'll just try my best until i find that again. i know i have it within me somewhere...

stepping outside of the yoga bubble

yesterday i had decided that i would stop my medication. i have reconsidered that decision, and as several people (that i really respect and trust) have made it clear to me, perhaps it is not a good decision. one of these people suggested that perhaps i am being arrogant about all of this...i think she is right. for the last 3 weeks, i have been living in a tiny bubble (speaking of, don ho passed not too long ago, i saw the memorial service which took place queen's beach in waikiki. i happened to be biking around there sunday). a bubble of yoga teacher wannabes. energy this. energy that. positive flow this. new age that. hippy here. yuppy there. i'm not knocking anyone or any of this, it's just that i've been in this hotel that is concentrated, saturated, with a group of people who are all in the same one-track mindset, more or less. i guess in my honest attempt to take full advantage of this experience, i kinda lost perspective...long story short, i will not quit my medication anytime soon. not at least during my stay here. i guess at times i am also very impatient and want many things to change very quickly, but i guess that's not something unique to myself. i guess that as much as i realize that impatience, at times i am a bit overwhelmed. i think about the last few years of my life and how quickly those years have passed. it's like tonite. i was reciting the dialogue for one of the postures in front of my group. there were two visiting teachers who were in charge of the group. i gave them my name and they found me in their notebook, and one of them stated "40 hours yoga experience? that's obviously a typo...". i responded meekly, "umm. actually it's not a typo." everyone laughed. i got some wow's. thumbs up. etc. i guess my point is that perhaps what i think is not happening, or not happening quick enough, is happening very quickly.

i have been having this ongoing battle in my mind about my new yoga bubble life. i feel that i need to practice extra hard, study more, pay extra attention, whatever to improve my yoga. on the other hand, to accept that i am new to all of this, and that i should try my best and accept what i do accomplish and equally accept my shortcomings. tonite, i was completely exhausted. i lied on the floor for half of tonite's yoga practice. i contemplated this competitive, ambitious drive that keeps telling me to push harder, faster, quicker...the whole comparitive, competitive, sizing up crap. it's all confusing, but i do have the same mantra from day one. i told myself that i have nothing to lose here, for i came with nothing of what is here. i guess i keep thinking these things, because even in very mundane things in life (like doing a yoga class, memorizing something, presentations, whatever) you can choose to be honest with yourself and accept the state of things (for the moment) or you can beat yourself up over it, which is a bit dishonest. who am i to expect such improvement and perfection in such little time? who do i think i am?

today i had a refreshing step outside of my yoga bubble, brief as it may be, as shallow as may have been, i saw the bubble.

another gap...

i had worked out a deal with my roommate, where i would pay for half of the internet connection and he would in return let me use his computer. however, as we have very little time and he is on the computer all the time, we no longer have that deal. i did find a cybercafe about 10 minutes away, but $1 per hour...i'm not going back. i've already blown $20 there and i've only been there 2 times...

i guess alot has happened since the last entry. i will attempt to summarize what i remember as important:

- the one who sits on the throne has a very strong personality. he is rude, crude, hilarious, insightful, misogynistic, a feminist, materialistic, unattached, simple, complicated, short, flashy, and VERBOSE! he has been here for 3 consecutive weeks, teaching the classes and lecturing. apparently that is quite special, so i guess that means he is usually present at the training for less than 3 weeks?. he has however flown off this weekend to tend to other business. i have had several random interactions with him. some in class and some outside of class. we had to present the first dialogue (the actual verbal instructions for the postures) on a mic, in front of the herd. he told me that i had hands down, the sexiest voice in the room. he asked me where i was from (i introduced myself as a korean-texan living in paris). he insinuated that i should stay here...

- my practice is getting much better. the biggest improvement i see is in my breathing excercises. i have never breathed like this, ever. very much related this, i am proud to state that i have not smoked anything in 3 weeks, as of today. i am even more proud to state that i know that i have finally quit smoking. somehow, i know this in my heart. i am improving in my other postures as well. i am becoming more flexible and my endurance is improving. my thighs have gotten very muscular. i noticed that when i put on a pair of my french (meaning form fitting) jeans, and the jeans were VERY tight around my thighs. my hamstrings and butt are EXTREMELY sore. i am able to stretch most of it out during the classes (especially the evening class), but as soon as my body cools down, i tighten up very quickly. the soreness has spread to my lower bag. and last week, my shoulders have become sore and very fatigued. i located that fatigue and soreness to my upper back, especially around both scapula.

- i have come down with something that is like a cold? i do not have a fever, but my sinuses feel as if i am congested. and i am coughing up some nasty mucus. i do not know for sure, but i know that i am coughing up more than 10 years of crap from cigarettes and marijuana.

- i have started getting to know more people, and some people a little better. i have had some great conversations with others, about life, about the program, about yoga...i am still very quiet about my own personal issues. i guess i have always been that way.

- this week, i had to sit out a few postures here and there. i was quite angry about myself, considering that i had been able to complete the classes during the first 2 weeks. i kept finding my mind wandering, and constantly fighting itself - yes you can finish the class. no you are tired, sit out the posture. yes. no. this. that. i could not focus my mind. as i write this, i realize that i had some anger last week. and that anger spilled over into my yoga classes. however, the last 3 classes of the week, i did complete the classes. my mind was still struggling, i was fighting myself, but i did at least make my mind up, and the yes beat the no.

- last nite, i went out to dinner with a group of people, a senegalese-french, 2 colorado people, an aussie, a colombian living in ibiza, a chilean living in vancouver, someone from michigan, a californian...and some other people i can't remember. we went to a "japanese" bbq place. total korean bbq rip off, but anyhow. everyone nervously brought up the question concerning alcohol...to drink or not to drink. in the end everyone drank. i had some beer. we had a great time. we then met up with another group (who also had obviously voted as we had) at a bar. we joined forces and went to a nightclub. we somehow met the owner, got free drinks and a pile of complimentary passes. we all danced until 2 and had a great time. i skipped the optional 10am class, and slept in until 2pm! i was so excited and happy to have slept in. that is the most rest i have gotten since i have arrived here. i know my body desperately needed it.

- today:

i have thought of many things today. i thought about last nite. i had a great time. but i was a bit disappointed that i broke down and had alcohol. i had planned to not do any of that during the training. but i accept it. i can honestly say that it was worth it. i met alot of people, i had a good time, we all blew off some steam. last nite has made me decide a few things today. i will not drink alcohol throughout the remainder of this program. nor will i smoke marijuana. tobacco, i have already quit. this part may worry some of you, but i have decided to stop my medication. before you start worrying and thinking, i want to share how i came to this decision.

- how i came to this decision:

everyone keeps speaking about the purification process of this program. the detoxification. physically speaking. mentally speaking. even the s word (spiritually). and i do firmly believe this. whether modern/western medicine and science ever proves or disproves any of this, i know (for myself) that it really is purifying. i am in detox. i belive the flu like systems that i have and coughing is very much a result of my decision to not smoke and my 3 weeks of being smoke free. i know that i am breathing profoundly and very differently than before. i believe the moments of peace and joy that i am finding is very much a result of my intensive yoga practice. and being in paradise definitely helps! i believe that my body is physically healing. every drop of sweat, i am squeezing out whatever unhealthy things are in my body...EXCEPT, for the prescription pills i am taking. i know, everyone will say that i should maybe ween myself off, and that quitting cold turkey is unintelligent and unhealthy. perhaps it is. perhaps it isn't. but what i do know is, i know somewhere deep inside me, that i can and that i should completely clean myself now. when i can. when i want to. i know that there will never be an opportunity like this one, ever again in my life. i know that i am supposed to be here (and believe me, i do not believe in fate or etc.). i know that this is the best thing i can do for myself. i know that this is the best thing i have ever done for myself. i know that i do not need any crutches to continue my life. i know that ultimately, i know what is best for myself.

i have continued to feel a transformation in my life since the day i decided to check myself into the hospital. sometime during my hospital stay, i had mentioned to several people, that i really do feel that i have a new chance to live my life. that i myself hold what is within my control, within my own hands. perhaps that is redundant, but this is an important realization for myself. i really do feel a sense of continuity from the hospital, to paris, to here...

i have confided this decision, about my medication to one person in this program. for some reason, we met a few weeks ago, and he poured his heart out to me that night. i later found out that he had almost quit the program and left that day - he thanked me for having some kind of influence on his decision to not leave and to stick it out. i am sharing this with him, so perhaps this will quell at least some of the practical worries any of you may have.

i have an anatomy test to study for tomorrow, and many dialogues to memorize.

i will be keeping up with this blog much more regularly. i guess we'll see about that. i leave this entry, open-minded, with an open heart, determined, focused, profoundly sore and tight (physically), optimistic, scared, excited, tired, sore, and sore. and sore.