last thursday, i somehow managed to get to the 6 am makeup class (1 down 2 more to go). a small class of 15 to 20 people instructed by a british barister now judge and also part-time yogi. followed by the regular 8:30 am class, a "back-to-back." then the 3rd one at 5 pm. and for anyone wondering what that is like ,the verdict:
-2nd class was really quick. my brain wasn't working at all, which made the class seem easier (i guess i was too tired to fight myself);
-3rd class was hard, but i struggled through it (actually, i did every single posture in all 3 classes. not bad for a beginner, eh?)
we finally completed the posture clinics friday afternoon. there is no more memorizing and performing the posture instructions. we also had the talent show friday evening, there were 26 something performances, mostly music, some dancing, comedy...some painfully bad performances and some quite brilliant. apparently someone proposed to someone at the very end of the program. i guess it was cool to see all the performers wanting to share a part of themselves with the large group. but then on the other hand, another couple of hours of your life planned by the yoga camp establishment.
saturday, a small group of us rented a car and went to a quiet beach on the northeast shore. we skipped the larger yoga camp bbq in waikiki and decided to have our own. later in the evening, i went to go meet another large group at a waikiki dance club. it was a nice mixed group there...i got back to my room at 4 am and slept until 8:30 am, when i miraculously jumped awake and began drinking obscene amounts of gatorade and water, in a desperate attempt to rehydrate and undo the previous night's activities. needless to say, i struggled through the not hot and pretty easy sunday class. tomorrow morning, tuesday at 6 am, yet another makeup class. 1 of 1 remaining.
and as i am counting, all the other yogis have started the countdown until the end of yoga camp. but in the meantime, the yoga camp saga continues...
Friday, June 8, 2007
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
flamboyant yogis and hurt feelings
morning class was great. it was taught by a french guy, one of the owners of the paris studios. he was doing it french style. that's what he said. whatever that means. oh, he did do one of sets of triangle pose in french.
through the nauseating monotony of yoga camp, i find myself daydreaming alot. daydreaming of white sandy beaches with crystal clear blue waters. palm trees. waterfalls. lush green mountains. isolated by the pacific ocean. like hawaii. sometimes i laugh at all the yoga camp dramas, very skillfully performed by many yogis. roommate dramas. romance dramas. comedy-romance dramas. here i am, with 300 other people. at a 9 week yoga camp. middle of the 8th week. locked inside strange rooms from morning to evening and told what to do. same things over and over again, until you start to daydream. and then you daydream about more mundane things like what to do this weekend? a group of us will be going to a quiet beach on the northeast part of oahu. cold beer and bbq. at the beach. not a bad change of scenery.
so the dramas are not limited to yoga campers. the yoga camp counselors, staff and visiting, are themselves a bit bored doing the same thing for 8 weeks. take for example: flamboyant gay asian guy from l.a. (who was a hairdstylist in his previous life, visiting teacher. or faculty as he and bikram say. he facilitated our evening posture clinic (the time alotted for you to perform the instructions for poses). he's a bit of a dramatist. while he was specifically addressing one student about a previous injury of the student that was affecting her postures. so a couple of people were having hushed, but audible, conversations. and he blew up. what was being said was very important. you could learn something. you're wasting my time. so why am i wasting my time? he's right, it's rude to talk through the clinic. but for crying outloud, give me a break. so began his tirade of ego masturbation. and he decided we would perform and he would give a very quick, dry and tearse commentary on our performance. but 3 performances later, he just couldn't stay quick, dry and tearse. and he goes as far as to explain why he had a little temper tantrum. and then he blamed it on us campers. because we hurt his feelings. anyhow, in the end, the flamboyant yogi stopped his temper tantrum and returned to his flamboyant self in his aloha hot pants (aloha like really bright aloha shirts, but they are pants...really, really tight pants). peace was restored in the land of yogis. order returned to the world.
through the nauseating monotony of yoga camp, i find myself daydreaming alot. daydreaming of white sandy beaches with crystal clear blue waters. palm trees. waterfalls. lush green mountains. isolated by the pacific ocean. like hawaii. sometimes i laugh at all the yoga camp dramas, very skillfully performed by many yogis. roommate dramas. romance dramas. comedy-romance dramas. here i am, with 300 other people. at a 9 week yoga camp. middle of the 8th week. locked inside strange rooms from morning to evening and told what to do. same things over and over again, until you start to daydream. and then you daydream about more mundane things like what to do this weekend? a group of us will be going to a quiet beach on the northeast part of oahu. cold beer and bbq. at the beach. not a bad change of scenery.
so the dramas are not limited to yoga campers. the yoga camp counselors, staff and visiting, are themselves a bit bored doing the same thing for 8 weeks. take for example: flamboyant gay asian guy from l.a. (who was a hairdstylist in his previous life, visiting teacher. or faculty as he and bikram say. he facilitated our evening posture clinic (the time alotted for you to perform the instructions for poses). he's a bit of a dramatist. while he was specifically addressing one student about a previous injury of the student that was affecting her postures. so a couple of people were having hushed, but audible, conversations. and he blew up. what was being said was very important. you could learn something. you're wasting my time. so why am i wasting my time? he's right, it's rude to talk through the clinic. but for crying outloud, give me a break. so began his tirade of ego masturbation. and he decided we would perform and he would give a very quick, dry and tearse commentary on our performance. but 3 performances later, he just couldn't stay quick, dry and tearse. and he goes as far as to explain why he had a little temper tantrum. and then he blamed it on us campers. because we hurt his feelings. anyhow, in the end, the flamboyant yogi stopped his temper tantrum and returned to his flamboyant self in his aloha hot pants (aloha like really bright aloha shirts, but they are pants...really, really tight pants). peace was restored in the land of yogis. order returned to the world.
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
matter over mind
it took me forever to get out of bed this morning. monday. the weekends are so predictively short. 2 more weeks and i'm back in paris. the first 7 weeks have flown buy, day after frighteningly identical day. like robots. the yoga factory. most everyone i speak to, have constant deja vu. we have postulated that perhaps the sensation of deja vu occurs when you meet people you have meet in a previous life. vegan salami paninis. what's happening to me?
morning class was interesting. i was in a horrible mood this morning. it was taught by a flamboyant, talkative, gay asian guy. in his previous life (yoga talk for before becoming a professional yoga teacher), he was a hairdresser. hair by him. body by bikram. he said. he, on one hand, was so energetic and hilarious, nice for a monday morning class. i, on the other hand, was so grumpy, disgruntled, and had almost nonexistent power to fight the little voice in my head that tells me such things as:
-"drink lots and lots of water in huge gulps",
-"it's too hot in here"
-"you drank too much water so you feel queasy and it's way too hot in here so fuck the yoga, just sit down"
-"what the fuck are you doing? sitting doesn't cut it, lie down"
-"it is still too fucking hot, you must embrace your ice cold bottle of water in a shameless act of desperation to cool down"
so maybe at best, i did almost all of the standing posture series. also refererred to as the warm up for the rest of the series of postures. so somewhere at the end of warmup, i went down. for good. and i didn't give a damn that i was down.
we had a guest lecturer, a physicist. he made a presentation using general physics to introduce his theories on consciousness - it's physical manifestation as scientifically measurable energy. something like that. it was really a topic i am interested in, but like many others, too exhausted to even really pay attention.
tonite's class was good though.
morning class was interesting. i was in a horrible mood this morning. it was taught by a flamboyant, talkative, gay asian guy. in his previous life (yoga talk for before becoming a professional yoga teacher), he was a hairdresser. hair by him. body by bikram. he said. he, on one hand, was so energetic and hilarious, nice for a monday morning class. i, on the other hand, was so grumpy, disgruntled, and had almost nonexistent power to fight the little voice in my head that tells me such things as:
-"drink lots and lots of water in huge gulps",
-"it's too hot in here"
-"you drank too much water so you feel queasy and it's way too hot in here so fuck the yoga, just sit down"
-"what the fuck are you doing? sitting doesn't cut it, lie down"
-"it is still too fucking hot, you must embrace your ice cold bottle of water in a shameless act of desperation to cool down"
so maybe at best, i did almost all of the standing posture series. also refererred to as the warm up for the rest of the series of postures. so somewhere at the end of warmup, i went down. for good. and i didn't give a damn that i was down.
we had a guest lecturer, a physicist. he made a presentation using general physics to introduce his theories on consciousness - it's physical manifestation as scientifically measurable energy. something like that. it was really a topic i am interested in, but like many others, too exhausted to even really pay attention.
tonite's class was good though.
Monday, June 4, 2007
circling the island
i went to hanauma bay today. i don't remember my first visit there in 1996, but it was very disney-like. parking. fees. mandatory film about being an environmentally responsible visitor. i snorkeled and laid out on the beach. i've gotten really tan already, just from 2 days of sun this weekend. it was a very hot day today.
afterwards, we went to kailua to a local health food store. i ate a vegan panini with vegan salami. it wasn't bad, but i sure as hell would have never guess salami.
a group of us went out to eat thai for dinner tonite. i love that there is asian food and restaurants EVERYWHERE here. korean. thai. vietnamese. chinese. japanese. indian. etc. i also noticed the variety of temples and churches. i've made almost a complete loop around oahu. counter clock-wise from honolulu/waikiki to north shore/haleiwa. i have yet to visit the west side (the dry side).
the makeup class was quite nice since the practice room was a bit cooler than usual. in fact, i realized the improvement of my practice since i got here. my strength and stamina has improved greatly. i think my flexibility has as well, although my hamstrings, glutes and lowerback are extremely tight and sore all the time.
so i had a great weekend. i spent most of it outdoors at a beach. i had a few cold beers. i spent time with good company (i think there are no more than 10 people i will most definitely stay in contact with). i skipped the posture clinic group gathering tonite, as did a fellow group member, and i'm sure there were other mia. 30 something of us were supposed to meet in one of the hotel rooms of 2 group members. i went to eat thai instead. i'm sure i will have to explain myself tomorrow morning to my fellow group members, as to why i did not attend an extremely exciting and wild gathering.
back to the grind tomorrow. yoga galore. posture clinic ad nauseum. faculty (as bikram calls his staff and teachers), an odd bunch themselves. and the best part, 300 something fellow students...but i don't want to go to school tomorrow!
afterwards, we went to kailua to a local health food store. i ate a vegan panini with vegan salami. it wasn't bad, but i sure as hell would have never guess salami.
a group of us went out to eat thai for dinner tonite. i love that there is asian food and restaurants EVERYWHERE here. korean. thai. vietnamese. chinese. japanese. indian. etc. i also noticed the variety of temples and churches. i've made almost a complete loop around oahu. counter clock-wise from honolulu/waikiki to north shore/haleiwa. i have yet to visit the west side (the dry side).
the makeup class was quite nice since the practice room was a bit cooler than usual. in fact, i realized the improvement of my practice since i got here. my strength and stamina has improved greatly. i think my flexibility has as well, although my hamstrings, glutes and lowerback are extremely tight and sore all the time.
so i had a great weekend. i spent most of it outdoors at a beach. i had a few cold beers. i spent time with good company (i think there are no more than 10 people i will most definitely stay in contact with). i skipped the posture clinic group gathering tonite, as did a fellow group member, and i'm sure there were other mia. 30 something of us were supposed to meet in one of the hotel rooms of 2 group members. i went to eat thai instead. i'm sure i will have to explain myself tomorrow morning to my fellow group members, as to why i did not attend an extremely exciting and wild gathering.
back to the grind tomorrow. yoga galore. posture clinic ad nauseum. faculty (as bikram calls his staff and teachers), an odd bunch themselves. and the best part, 300 something fellow students...but i don't want to go to school tomorrow!
Sunday, June 3, 2007
a quick summary
obviously, i have not kept up with this blog more recently. a quick summary - see previous entries. repeat as necessary. i am definitely getting better at pacing myself, specifically and in general.
somehow, i have managed to accumulate 3 makeup classes to attend. including one tomorrow morning at 10:00. i am afraid that one of the makeup classes will have to be on a weekday. which means add a 3rd yoga class to my day (06:00). and don't forget the regular class at 08:30. nor the class at 17:00. i must admit, prior to accumulating these makeup classes, i was curious about how yoga 3 times a day would feel. how scary.
other than the neverending dialogue performances in posture clinic, bikram lectures, and all the other camp activities, i have managed to escape the madness with a few people. 2 weekends ago, we rented a car and went to the eastern part of oahu. we hung out at makapuu beach. big sandy beach. busy, but not waikiki busy. last weekend we rented a car and went to north shore (obviously northern oahu) and hung out at waimea bay beach. today, we rented a car and went to the northeastern part of oahu, to kualoa beach. east side (windward, rainy side), waters were pretty calm. the north shore beach we went to had these incredibly strong waves breaking right onto the shore. it took a lot of strength to not get washed out to sea with every wave crashing into you and crashing you into the shore. then the riptide pulls everything back out, sucking you out towards the neverending turquoise shades of the pacific ocean. today's beach was absolutely calm. quiet. postcard.
tomorrow, we are going to hanauma bay. to snorkel with the masses. after makeup class.
yesterday, i was in such a great mood. i don't know what it was, but after morning class, i was very calm. peaceful. happy. talkative. out going. good humour was seemingly infectious that evening.
i guess i felt a bit overwhelmed since the last entry. i know, overwhelmed at the yoga retreat? i think it's probably more the physical fatigue. you really don't get much freetime, come to think of it. i think this feeling seems congruent to my failure to more regularly keep this blog.
i guess today was a much needed and desired escape from yoga camp. we ended up driving back to waikiki buy continuing along the coast all the way to northshore. we ate some delicious charcoal grilled whole chickens with a dry seasoning rub. crispy skin. tender and juicy. delicious. and since we're on the topic, the 1st trip to northshore we feasted on coconut fried shrimp and shaved ice with ice cream and azuki (red beans) at the well known matsumoto ice shop. eastshore, we ate overpriced sandwiches.
and tomorrow: morning class and snorkeling.
next weekend: beach bbq
final weekend: yoga group debauchery (alcohol)
somehow, i have managed to accumulate 3 makeup classes to attend. including one tomorrow morning at 10:00. i am afraid that one of the makeup classes will have to be on a weekday. which means add a 3rd yoga class to my day (06:00). and don't forget the regular class at 08:30. nor the class at 17:00. i must admit, prior to accumulating these makeup classes, i was curious about how yoga 3 times a day would feel. how scary.
other than the neverending dialogue performances in posture clinic, bikram lectures, and all the other camp activities, i have managed to escape the madness with a few people. 2 weekends ago, we rented a car and went to the eastern part of oahu. we hung out at makapuu beach. big sandy beach. busy, but not waikiki busy. last weekend we rented a car and went to north shore (obviously northern oahu) and hung out at waimea bay beach. today, we rented a car and went to the northeastern part of oahu, to kualoa beach. east side (windward, rainy side), waters were pretty calm. the north shore beach we went to had these incredibly strong waves breaking right onto the shore. it took a lot of strength to not get washed out to sea with every wave crashing into you and crashing you into the shore. then the riptide pulls everything back out, sucking you out towards the neverending turquoise shades of the pacific ocean. today's beach was absolutely calm. quiet. postcard.
tomorrow, we are going to hanauma bay. to snorkel with the masses. after makeup class.
yesterday, i was in such a great mood. i don't know what it was, but after morning class, i was very calm. peaceful. happy. talkative. out going. good humour was seemingly infectious that evening.
i guess i felt a bit overwhelmed since the last entry. i know, overwhelmed at the yoga retreat? i think it's probably more the physical fatigue. you really don't get much freetime, come to think of it. i think this feeling seems congruent to my failure to more regularly keep this blog.
i guess today was a much needed and desired escape from yoga camp. we ended up driving back to waikiki buy continuing along the coast all the way to northshore. we ate some delicious charcoal grilled whole chickens with a dry seasoning rub. crispy skin. tender and juicy. delicious. and since we're on the topic, the 1st trip to northshore we feasted on coconut fried shrimp and shaved ice with ice cream and azuki (red beans) at the well known matsumoto ice shop. eastshore, we ate overpriced sandwiches.
and tomorrow: morning class and snorkeling.
next weekend: beach bbq
final weekend: yoga group debauchery (alcohol)
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
sleeping through the melodrama
i felt so out of my body at the evening class today. at one point i was not remembering where the hell i was. probably not a good thing, but i'm fine now. i really need to work on not being so extreme. i need to pace myself better, last week i was just drained towards the end of the week. a friend told me that she used to do the same thing i do now...i just push myself and just kill myself. lately, it's not working, i am obliterated by the end of the week. so my new mantra: pace yourself. i guess that was one of my mantras in the hospital, pacing myself. not in such a goddamned rush like i've felt my entire life. hurried. early.
as far as the practical things go, the posture clinic comedy continues. dialogue after dialogue, i am actually bothering to memorize the postures. i basically only study the damned thing during my meals. lunch and dinner. which is about 2 hours a day. it's probably giving me indigestion. it's unbelievably frightening to get in
front of 40 to 50 of your peers and perform a monologue. i mean, dialogue. but i guess i'm getting better at the performance part. i don't get so damned scared like i did in the beginning performances..
ground hog's day. that's what many yogis are calling yoga camp. even the hilarious rules and enforcement of rules. i think half the appeal of this teacher training is the camp like environment. school like. and add a pampered version of boot camp. roommates. classes. lectures. tests. physical exercise. performances. talent show. yearbook commitee. picture day portraits for the yearbook. directory. you spend the entire day (08:30-23:00 to 01:00) with 300 something people. in class. out of class. inbetween classes. in your room. in the bathroom. at lunch. and dinner. and any snacks between meals (you never eat anything you really like in front of others in close quarters or you will most likely find yourself sharing your snacks with neighbors). you see each other everywhere. it's hilarious to think about it. i guess it's like a 9 week spa that kicks your ass a little bit (mostly at your own convenience) over the most mundane and sometimes utterly pointless and unbelievably boring. constipation inducing boring (much more often than i expected). the entertainment value of the various yoga camp activities has severely diminshed. and again, much more than i expected, the relevance to the practice and teaching of yoga is often unclear, very loose or completely irrelevent. sometimes, annoyingly so.
unsurprisingly, melodramatic sob stories unfold. all sorts of childish melodramas. and only sometimes entertaining.
as 7 weeks have passed, most people seem to have found a closer, smaller group of people you actually do enjoy spending time with. relationships of practicality. perhaps friendship. perhaps one in the same?
i'm beat. this school boy better get to bed.
as far as the practical things go, the posture clinic comedy continues. dialogue after dialogue, i am actually bothering to memorize the postures. i basically only study the damned thing during my meals. lunch and dinner. which is about 2 hours a day. it's probably giving me indigestion. it's unbelievably frightening to get in
front of 40 to 50 of your peers and perform a monologue. i mean, dialogue. but i guess i'm getting better at the performance part. i don't get so damned scared like i did in the beginning performances..
ground hog's day. that's what many yogis are calling yoga camp. even the hilarious rules and enforcement of rules. i think half the appeal of this teacher training is the camp like environment. school like. and add a pampered version of boot camp. roommates. classes. lectures. tests. physical exercise. performances. talent show. yearbook commitee. picture day portraits for the yearbook. directory. you spend the entire day (08:30-23:00 to 01:00) with 300 something people. in class. out of class. inbetween classes. in your room. in the bathroom. at lunch. and dinner. and any snacks between meals (you never eat anything you really like in front of others in close quarters or you will most likely find yourself sharing your snacks with neighbors). you see each other everywhere. it's hilarious to think about it. i guess it's like a 9 week spa that kicks your ass a little bit (mostly at your own convenience) over the most mundane and sometimes utterly pointless and unbelievably boring. constipation inducing boring (much more often than i expected). the entertainment value of the various yoga camp activities has severely diminshed. and again, much more than i expected, the relevance to the practice and teaching of yoga is often unclear, very loose or completely irrelevent. sometimes, annoyingly so.
unsurprisingly, melodramatic sob stories unfold. all sorts of childish melodramas. and only sometimes entertaining.
as 7 weeks have passed, most people seem to have found a closer, smaller group of people you actually do enjoy spending time with. relationships of practicality. perhaps friendship. perhaps one in the same?
i'm beat. this school boy better get to bed.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
east side
yesterday i had been invited to go to a beach on the east side of oahu. so today i went with a group of 4 (2 indian yogis from the u.k. and south africa, an american yogi from florida and a canadian yogi from vancouver) in a giant rental cadillac. i guess it's kind of the "we all went straight from high school to university and started working and we didn't like it very much so why not more school, but not real school, cause that's really too much work, so why not yoga school" group. but we're still type a-ish, so we can't do just any kind of yoga school, we have to do the extreme hot yoga" group. nice people. we had a fun and relaxing time at a nice calm beach with the most crystal clear shades of blue waves breaking 3 ft from the shore...you could ride these giant waves just a few steps into the water. the incredibly strong undertow would pull you out towards the sea. you ride the wave in and let the undertow take you back out.
after playing in the sun, we stopped to grab lunch. we took advantage of having a car and went grocery shopping at a local japanese style wal-mart. i bought food for the week.
it felt great to get the hell outta the hotel. and take a break from yoga (not including the 8am class) camp. although everyone seemed to not be able to stop talking about yoga, albeit bitching about yoga.
later today, i went to eat korean bbq with some japanese yogis (from bruxelles, tokyo, l.a. and nyc.), 1 chinese yogi (from hong kong), and a british yogi (from australia). we feasted.
as if we didn't eat enough, we walked to a local ice cream shop and had ice cream. i already had a shake for lunch, i have been craving ice cream though (i also bought some mochi ice cream at the grocery store).
i went for a nice bike ride to burn some calories. i think tomorrow, the rental car group may go up to the mountain (where i rode my bike) and do a short waterfall hike and get to see a panoramic view of honolulu and diamond head.
maybe. if everyone can manage to get up.
some random observations: by this time, everyone is so bored that people that never ever talk to each other are starting to talk to each other. people are letting their guards down and i guess you start getting to really know what the 300 people are more like.
i should be a good boy and go to a make up class tomorrow morning...(punishment for forgetting to sign into a 5:00 class). i hear my mochi ice cream calling my name (i haven't fixed my ice cream crave).f
after playing in the sun, we stopped to grab lunch. we took advantage of having a car and went grocery shopping at a local japanese style wal-mart. i bought food for the week.
it felt great to get the hell outta the hotel. and take a break from yoga (not including the 8am class) camp. although everyone seemed to not be able to stop talking about yoga, albeit bitching about yoga.
later today, i went to eat korean bbq with some japanese yogis (from bruxelles, tokyo, l.a. and nyc.), 1 chinese yogi (from hong kong), and a british yogi (from australia). we feasted.
as if we didn't eat enough, we walked to a local ice cream shop and had ice cream. i already had a shake for lunch, i have been craving ice cream though (i also bought some mochi ice cream at the grocery store).
i went for a nice bike ride to burn some calories. i think tomorrow, the rental car group may go up to the mountain (where i rode my bike) and do a short waterfall hike and get to see a panoramic view of honolulu and diamond head.
maybe. if everyone can manage to get up.
some random observations: by this time, everyone is so bored that people that never ever talk to each other are starting to talk to each other. people are letting their guards down and i guess you start getting to really know what the 300 people are more like.
i should be a good boy and go to a make up class tomorrow morning...(punishment for forgetting to sign into a 5:00 class). i hear my mochi ice cream calling my name (i haven't fixed my ice cream crave).f
sleeping yogis
today i could have given a flying fuck about yoga. i'm exhausted. i'm sick of doing yoga. talking yoga. memorizing yoga. yogis. eating. drinking. pissing. the hotel. i'm so looking forward to the weekend. many fellow yogis have been sharing the same sentiments. i guess we're all a bit burned out. we had a lecture tonite by the chair of the UCLA medical school. it was all about menstruation. go figure. i had a nice nap though, for about 2 hours, until i was awoken by the sleep patrol.
they have been cranking the heat up in the room. we are dropping like flies. one more class until the weekend. i am definitely taking it easy this weekend, especially since i have to go to the sunday morning makeup class for forgetting to sign in the other day.
beach and sleep sounds good to me. one more yoga class and the weekend is here! pictures coming this weekend!
they have been cranking the heat up in the room. we are dropping like flies. one more class until the weekend. i am definitely taking it easy this weekend, especially since i have to go to the sunday morning makeup class for forgetting to sign in the other day.
beach and sleep sounds good to me. one more yoga class and the weekend is here! pictures coming this weekend!
Friday, May 18, 2007
turret's syndrome and hip hip hooray
i had a very strong morning class. perhaps i pushed it a bit too much, i ran out of gas in tonite's class. it was taught by a very funny, talkative, high energy, flamingly gay new yorker. the entire class ran out of gas tonite. it is by far the most bizarre class i have taken. multiple people fainting, passing out and falling, people getting severe cramps, muffled crying, open wailing, coughing (some bizarre illness going around), people getting up and running out, pedialyte being delivered to people on their mat's, and somehow, half the class contracted turret's syndrome. somewhere in the middle of the floor series, people start yelling out. open the door! open the fucking door! yeah! open the fucking door! it was extremely hot and humid tonite. and there was absolutely no air flow whatsoever. and i'm not sure if there is any fresh air being pumped into the room. as a fellow yogi described to me, at one point the room (from the front) looked like the aftermath of a bomb explosion - bodies laying everywhere. so when people started blurting out about the door, one of the teachers yelled back to tell them to shut up. then i hear fuck you. come make me shut up. bring it on. then it turned into a yelling match. i was utterly confused. i thought there was going to be a showdown in the yoga room. a brawl. mass chaos. rioting. but then they finally opened the doors. then another group of people started yelling to shut the fucking door. you shut the fuck up. no you shut the fuck up. back and forth. what a strange class, perhaps the strangest i will ever take?
later tonite, in the posture clinics, i did my performance, and i did pretty damned good (my best so far), except for one spot where i froze up. when i finished, the room cheered and screamed really loud for me (a fellow yogi told me that i got the loudest screams and applause thus far into yoga camp). it felt really good (not that i got the applause, but to know that i did well and my peers were cognizant of it and were genuinely happy with me). whenever i have to "perform," i completely black out. i go into automatic mode and don't remember anything that happened. but tonite it was a little different. i actually heard the applause. of course most of it, i don't remember. i hope that by the end of yoga camp, i will not completely black out and actually be present and aware of what i am doing even when i am "performing."
but for today, hip hip hooray. open the fucking door.
later tonite, in the posture clinics, i did my performance, and i did pretty damned good (my best so far), except for one spot where i froze up. when i finished, the room cheered and screamed really loud for me (a fellow yogi told me that i got the loudest screams and applause thus far into yoga camp). it felt really good (not that i got the applause, but to know that i did well and my peers were cognizant of it and were genuinely happy with me). whenever i have to "perform," i completely black out. i go into automatic mode and don't remember anything that happened. but tonite it was a little different. i actually heard the applause. of course most of it, i don't remember. i hope that by the end of yoga camp, i will not completely black out and actually be present and aware of what i am doing even when i am "performing."
but for today, hip hip hooray. open the fucking door.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
bacon and coke
i guess what i wrote last nite, sounds pretty scary. melodramatic. dramatic. but what do i expect, i'm hanging out with 300 something people at yoga camp! and despite what i write, yoga camp is not all blood, sweat and tears. for example, tonite, i found out that i am "very popular with the japanese girls". i found this out from a fellow yogi i ran into. i asked her name and she told me. i told her my name, but she already knew it. because i'm mr. popular with the japanese ladies. later in the evening, i ran into another yogi, we exchanged names, but she also knew my name. apparently i am the ladies' yogi...that's right. at least with the japanese ladies.
last saturday's korean bbq outing will be returning this saturday, by popular demand. in fact, i think the group of 3 will possibly more than quadruple in number!
although i have become a very healthy eater in the past 5 weeks, tonite was a good reminder of my past. i was at the local convenience store staring off into the refrigerated space. then i saw the packaged pork. bacon. it was begging me to take it home with me. so i did. and made a giant bats (bacon, avocado, tomato, sprouts) sandiwch with sriracha. AND a nice cold coke. it's my 2nd coke in 5 weeks! i also quit coffee (for now). AND i am still smoke free. in fact, i hardly even think about cigarettes. tonite, i was waiting at a crosswalk and there was a guy smoking a cigarette there. it smelled bad. wow.
today was a nice day. i found out i had a fan club of sorts. i ate bacon. i drank coke. i had a nice surprise phone call. i can' complain...
last saturday's korean bbq outing will be returning this saturday, by popular demand. in fact, i think the group of 3 will possibly more than quadruple in number!
although i have become a very healthy eater in the past 5 weeks, tonite was a good reminder of my past. i was at the local convenience store staring off into the refrigerated space. then i saw the packaged pork. bacon. it was begging me to take it home with me. so i did. and made a giant bats (bacon, avocado, tomato, sprouts) sandiwch with sriracha. AND a nice cold coke. it's my 2nd coke in 5 weeks! i also quit coffee (for now). AND i am still smoke free. in fact, i hardly even think about cigarettes. tonite, i was waiting at a crosswalk and there was a guy smoking a cigarette there. it smelled bad. wow.
today was a nice day. i found out i had a fan club of sorts. i ate bacon. i drank coke. i had a nice surprise phone call. i can' complain...
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
things fall apart
i had a really difficult class this morning. i had that same physical sensation as i did in class last evening - all of a sudden i felt an overwhelming sense of nausea, my head started spinning, i started seeing bright colors, i started gagging and my throat started constricting so that i felt that i could no longer breath. all i could i think was get the fuck up and get the fuck out of the room as fast as i could. yesterday, i succumbed to that feeling, i got the fuck out of the room. today, i don't know why i am so bullheaded at times, but i didn't listen to myself. i stayed in the room. i puked a little on my towel (discretely i hope), but once the gagging went away, i just laid back down in my own vomit (it was mostly water). at the end of the class, i laid there in my own misery and suddenly, something just clicked in my head. i realized that i had been thinking about my father. about how he died. about that day i found him dead. i don't remember how much or with whom i shared any of that day's events. but all of a sudden, i thought of that day. and to my own discomfort, i saw that day vividly.
i had gone to the restaurant that morning. early as usual. actually, a little earlier than usual, cause i wanted to swing by the gym. i had just entered the restaurant, checked the voicemail, looked through the guest book, and my phone rang. i learned that my father had never come home the previous night. i called his cell phone, no answer. no one knew his whereabouts. one way or another, i found myself driving to my father's office. i don't know why, but the whole time i knew inside my stomach that things were very wrong. the night before i had very strange dreams (later on, i found that my brother also shared those dreams). for whatever reason, i had this disgusting, nauseating, awful dread, churning in my stomach. as i got closer to the office, i drove faster and faster, as if how quickly i got there might have an affect on what i would discover. i'll never forget coming up on the shopping center where his office was located. the moment i saw the police cars and the ambulance, i went numb. i parked. i got out of the car, legs shaking. i ran to the office. i ran upstairs. i saw the police officers.
what i knew in the pit of my stomach, i now knew without a doubt was true. my father was hanging. everything after my arrival is still a blur. a big messy blur of cops, and detectives, and my father's friends, and work people, and people from the medical examiner's office, just one big fucking horrible mess.
next thing i know i am at my father's home, breaking the news to everyone. then i found myself at the funeral home making arrangements. it's so fucking weird to make funeral arrangements. you pick a package, and package a includes this, package b...blahblahblah...what casket would you like. what box would you like the casket buried in. tombstone? flowers? how would you like to pay for that? we need a deposit? very fucking strange and inappropriate at a time of loss. a blur. i'm standing in front of my father's naked embalmed corpse. taking pictures. still drunk from the countless beers i drank not sleeping the night before in an attempt to numb myself. trying to keep my balance standing on a chair over his dead body, with disposable cameras, taking pictures. of him. the scarring around his neck. his body. the fresh scars from where they removed the flesh and fluids that keeps the body alive.
simultaneously, i discovered how big and how fucking horrible the mess really was. the legal problems that i discovered. the fucking mind games and lawyers and fuck. the fake burial. having his casket removed from the ground after the fake burial. getting a second autopsy. the real burial. all of that fucking mess just came up in my head today.
perhaps that choking feeling is somehow like the noose that was around my father's neck. it had been choking me slowly. the life slowly draining from my body. what killed him in an instant, was slowly killing me. i guess since i got out of the hospital, i haven't really thought much of these things. but today i realized that it was still inside my head. inside of me. the invisible noose, still surreptiously tightening ever so slightly. unnoticed. and i saw it. i figured it out. it was gagging me. it was choking me. it was making me physically ill. it was telling me to get the fuck up and get the fuck out. run away. get away.
i keep hearing that the only way out, is through it, head on. there is no other way. what has been haunting me perhaps to this very day, i was able to recognize - i looked at it head on. i wanted to go right through it. so tonite, i felt that familiar choking feeling. the nausea. the voice. get up. get out. run away. and perhaps for the first time, i faced it. i looked at square in the eyes. head on. there was no other way. the only way out, was through it. i fought it. i accepted it. i let it hurt me. i hurt it. the panic fleeting. nerves calming. nausea leaving. the grip around my neck no more. i could breath again. the voices quiet. i stayed there. there was no where else to be. no where else to go. nothing else to do. other than to stay in that moment, in the hot room, on my sweat soaked towels, straining, fighting, stretching, pushing, pulling, breathing, sweating...with a happy smiling face...
i had gone to the restaurant that morning. early as usual. actually, a little earlier than usual, cause i wanted to swing by the gym. i had just entered the restaurant, checked the voicemail, looked through the guest book, and my phone rang. i learned that my father had never come home the previous night. i called his cell phone, no answer. no one knew his whereabouts. one way or another, i found myself driving to my father's office. i don't know why, but the whole time i knew inside my stomach that things were very wrong. the night before i had very strange dreams (later on, i found that my brother also shared those dreams). for whatever reason, i had this disgusting, nauseating, awful dread, churning in my stomach. as i got closer to the office, i drove faster and faster, as if how quickly i got there might have an affect on what i would discover. i'll never forget coming up on the shopping center where his office was located. the moment i saw the police cars and the ambulance, i went numb. i parked. i got out of the car, legs shaking. i ran to the office. i ran upstairs. i saw the police officers.
what i knew in the pit of my stomach, i now knew without a doubt was true. my father was hanging. everything after my arrival is still a blur. a big messy blur of cops, and detectives, and my father's friends, and work people, and people from the medical examiner's office, just one big fucking horrible mess.
next thing i know i am at my father's home, breaking the news to everyone. then i found myself at the funeral home making arrangements. it's so fucking weird to make funeral arrangements. you pick a package, and package a includes this, package b...blahblahblah...what casket would you like. what box would you like the casket buried in. tombstone? flowers? how would you like to pay for that? we need a deposit? very fucking strange and inappropriate at a time of loss. a blur. i'm standing in front of my father's naked embalmed corpse. taking pictures. still drunk from the countless beers i drank not sleeping the night before in an attempt to numb myself. trying to keep my balance standing on a chair over his dead body, with disposable cameras, taking pictures. of him. the scarring around his neck. his body. the fresh scars from where they removed the flesh and fluids that keeps the body alive.
simultaneously, i discovered how big and how fucking horrible the mess really was. the legal problems that i discovered. the fucking mind games and lawyers and fuck. the fake burial. having his casket removed from the ground after the fake burial. getting a second autopsy. the real burial. all of that fucking mess just came up in my head today.
perhaps that choking feeling is somehow like the noose that was around my father's neck. it had been choking me slowly. the life slowly draining from my body. what killed him in an instant, was slowly killing me. i guess since i got out of the hospital, i haven't really thought much of these things. but today i realized that it was still inside my head. inside of me. the invisible noose, still surreptiously tightening ever so slightly. unnoticed. and i saw it. i figured it out. it was gagging me. it was choking me. it was making me physically ill. it was telling me to get the fuck up and get the fuck out. run away. get away.
i keep hearing that the only way out, is through it, head on. there is no other way. what has been haunting me perhaps to this very day, i was able to recognize - i looked at it head on. i wanted to go right through it. so tonite, i felt that familiar choking feeling. the nausea. the voice. get up. get out. run away. and perhaps for the first time, i faced it. i looked at square in the eyes. head on. there was no other way. the only way out, was through it. i fought it. i accepted it. i let it hurt me. i hurt it. the panic fleeting. nerves calming. nausea leaving. the grip around my neck no more. i could breath again. the voices quiet. i stayed there. there was no where else to be. no where else to go. nothing else to do. other than to stay in that moment, in the hot room, on my sweat soaked towels, straining, fighting, stretching, pushing, pulling, breathing, sweating...with a happy smiling face...
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
waves
i had a bout of frustration this evening. i had a horrible evening class. i physically felt ill. at one point, i felt panicked and knew that i had to get up and run out. i grabbed a wastebasket and dry heaved and gagged for awhile, but didn't get sick. i drank some pedialyte, and went back in the room. it's strange, i couldn't draw a line to identify if it was a physical motivation for leaving the room or if it was something inside my head. i guess the funny thing is, i'm learning that perhaps there is no line, or at least no clear line. i guess it hurt my pride more than anything. however, the tide turned later on this evening. i had a pretty good performance of my dialogue today. my group was very supportive and loudly cheered the obvious improvement.
i don't understand what it is, but i still don't understand how 90 minutes in a hot room, moving your body in various positions can make you have a full frontal collision with yourself. every intention, every motion, motivation, discouragement, faith or lack of, wandering and focused mind, thoughts...you really begin to look yourself honestly. the hard part for me, and perhaps many, is accepting whatever you see as yourself, WITHOUT approval nor disapproval. without judgement...
tomorrow is another day. no expectations. no nothing. tomorrow doesn't even exist...
i don't understand what it is, but i still don't understand how 90 minutes in a hot room, moving your body in various positions can make you have a full frontal collision with yourself. every intention, every motion, motivation, discouragement, faith or lack of, wandering and focused mind, thoughts...you really begin to look yourself honestly. the hard part for me, and perhaps many, is accepting whatever you see as yourself, WITHOUT approval nor disapproval. without judgement...
tomorrow is another day. no expectations. no nothing. tomorrow doesn't even exist...
Sunday, May 13, 2007
starbucks and bike envy
i didn't make it to my makeup class this morning, i was too busy sleeping. i guess i'll make it up next sunday, since i don't really care to go to a weekday makeup class at 6am then do the regular morning class at 8:30am...making it a 3 class day. speaking of sleeping, i slept until 2 or 3 in the afternoon today. i guess i needed it. so i skipped out on the north shore road trip as well.
i've been frequenting a starbucks further away from the hotel when i want to avoid the yoga crowd. i got my drink free today! i'm working on the free drinks at the starbucks across the street from the hotel - i have a good feeling about it, i do believe it's coming soon.
i spent the rest of today studying for my dialogue performance. as i will spend the rest of tonite doing the same. my shoulder feels better. maybe it was good to skip a day of yoga all together.
the other day, i was walking my bike home as i was walking home with a friend. an old vw bug stops in the middle of the road next to me and asks how much i want for the bike. i told the lady it wasn't for sale. she asked me again how much. i apologized and said no. alot of the yoga people have seen me on my bike, and they all wish they had brought a bicycle...
i've been frequenting a starbucks further away from the hotel when i want to avoid the yoga crowd. i got my drink free today! i'm working on the free drinks at the starbucks across the street from the hotel - i have a good feeling about it, i do believe it's coming soon.
i spent the rest of today studying for my dialogue performance. as i will spend the rest of tonite doing the same. my shoulder feels better. maybe it was good to skip a day of yoga all together.
the other day, i was walking my bike home as i was walking home with a friend. an old vw bug stops in the middle of the road next to me and asks how much i want for the bike. i told the lady it wasn't for sale. she asked me again how much. i apologized and said no. alot of the yoga people have seen me on my bike, and they all wish they had brought a bicycle...
Saturday, May 12, 2007
closest thing to asia
after morning class, i took a shower and went to the ala moana center to go study at barnes and nobles, but i haphazardly discovered a korean traditional dance and drum performance. i was very happy for the pleasant surprise. it's strange, how i immediately relate to such things as being from my culture, as being somehow me. it's not like i grew up around that stuff, but somehow it's programmed in me nonetheless, essential? after, i went for a long bike ride. it was beautiful as usual. it's extremely hot considering my location and the position of the earth in relation to the sun (something about summer solstice something).
i met up with 2 people from the program, a married guy from hong kong and a married gal living in singapore (i think she's from hong kong), and went to a naeng myun and kalbi place. it was delicious. the company was nice too, we have all been married about the same time, we have similar sensibilities, and we all like to eat. it was great. we all had a cold draft beer as well. we've already extended invitations to each other to visit...i really enjoy talking to them.
it's strange, i still felt quite out of my body today. i don't know if it's the fatigue or what, but perhaps i am a bit busy, especially in my mind. i guess this is the most active i have been in quite some time. i don't feel overwhelmed, but like there is so much going on. i never thought yoga camp would be so busy. and it has become a yoga camp...all the drama, the cliques, the relationships...
i had considered going to catch a movie, but i don't feel like riding my bike out there and then having to bike back after the movie. the pot luck lunch has evolved into a rent a car and go to the north shore trip...i want to go visit, but i'm so tired, i may just stay in and go to the beach and take it easy by myself. and study.
my roommate is going through a midlife crisis of sorts...he's in his 40's and recently divorced, father of 2...he keeps talking about how young he feels, and how he's gotten a compliment of looking like a teenager, and i think he owns more trendy island wear (i.e. board shorts, plaid shorts, flip flops) than i do. good thing i already had my crisis and got it out of the way...
at dinner tonite, i was talking about how this is the closest to asia i've ever been. shit, you can find kalbi and rice at the wal-mart snack place. you can get rice as a side (as opposed to toast) at ihop. most of the locals look like me. hell, most of the tourists look like me. for once, it pays to be a gook. the two friends at dinner also stated that they felt comfortable here, in the sense that non-white cultures are much more mainstream and influential on the life/culture here.
well, i have had my share of red meat this weekend. i think i will skip the north shore outing tomorrow, i should really get some much needed rest. and i need to catch up on my studying. i have a 10am class tomorrow anyhow...but today is saturday, and i will take it easy. i love island life. even as a worthless yogi wannabe on pseudo vacation...or perhaps especially because i am a worthless yogi wannabe that i love island life?
i met up with 2 people from the program, a married guy from hong kong and a married gal living in singapore (i think she's from hong kong), and went to a naeng myun and kalbi place. it was delicious. the company was nice too, we have all been married about the same time, we have similar sensibilities, and we all like to eat. it was great. we all had a cold draft beer as well. we've already extended invitations to each other to visit...i really enjoy talking to them.
it's strange, i still felt quite out of my body today. i don't know if it's the fatigue or what, but perhaps i am a bit busy, especially in my mind. i guess this is the most active i have been in quite some time. i don't feel overwhelmed, but like there is so much going on. i never thought yoga camp would be so busy. and it has become a yoga camp...all the drama, the cliques, the relationships...
i had considered going to catch a movie, but i don't feel like riding my bike out there and then having to bike back after the movie. the pot luck lunch has evolved into a rent a car and go to the north shore trip...i want to go visit, but i'm so tired, i may just stay in and go to the beach and take it easy by myself. and study.
my roommate is going through a midlife crisis of sorts...he's in his 40's and recently divorced, father of 2...he keeps talking about how young he feels, and how he's gotten a compliment of looking like a teenager, and i think he owns more trendy island wear (i.e. board shorts, plaid shorts, flip flops) than i do. good thing i already had my crisis and got it out of the way...
at dinner tonite, i was talking about how this is the closest to asia i've ever been. shit, you can find kalbi and rice at the wal-mart snack place. you can get rice as a side (as opposed to toast) at ihop. most of the locals look like me. hell, most of the tourists look like me. for once, it pays to be a gook. the two friends at dinner also stated that they felt comfortable here, in the sense that non-white cultures are much more mainstream and influential on the life/culture here.
well, i have had my share of red meat this weekend. i think i will skip the north shore outing tomorrow, i should really get some much needed rest. and i need to catch up on my studying. i have a 10am class tomorrow anyhow...but today is saturday, and i will take it easy. i love island life. even as a worthless yogi wannabe on pseudo vacation...or perhaps especially because i am a worthless yogi wannabe that i love island life?
Friday, May 11, 2007
friday
after evening yoga class, they graciously excused us for the day...so i am sitting in a starbucks blogging and reading and doing nothing but just taking it easy. alot of people were going out tonite, but i wanted to get a break from all the other yogis for a night. i'm going to eat korean with some people tomorrow night. then sunday at noon, there is a pot luck lunch that i will be going to. but for tonite, i wanted some alone time, away from my roommate, away from the yogis, away from the hotel...just some nice quiet time for myself. i guess i learned about alone time when i was at the hospital. it was there that i realized that this solitude was/is important.
i am debating what to have for dinner...eat some pho or get a big burger with fries or go get pancakes and breakfast food? hopefully i will decide something by the end of this entry. i plan to take it easy tonite and get some sleep.
my shoulder is still bothering me. i tried to really be gentle with it tonite. this morning i forced it, but...
i felt completely out of my body today, all day long. i just couldn't get my brain to work today. alot of other people mentioned similar experiences. perhaps we were all a little burnt out today.
i'm even sick of writing about yoga...i'm gonna go eat a giant burger with fries and a large coke! yumyum!
i am debating what to have for dinner...eat some pho or get a big burger with fries or go get pancakes and breakfast food? hopefully i will decide something by the end of this entry. i plan to take it easy tonite and get some sleep.
my shoulder is still bothering me. i tried to really be gentle with it tonite. this morning i forced it, but...
i felt completely out of my body today, all day long. i just couldn't get my brain to work today. alot of other people mentioned similar experiences. perhaps we were all a little burnt out today.
i'm even sick of writing about yoga...i'm gonna go eat a giant burger with fries and a large coke! yumyum!
sleepyhead
i guess the exhaustion hit me hard...i slept right through morning class today! i felt like a dumbass going to one of the teachers to tell them that i slept through class, but she was nice about it. i have a makeup class to do on sunday morning. yay. i go to the sunday class anyhow. i've been having a hard time getting used to not sleeping much - my meds at night really knock me out cold. and i'm just not sleeping enough i think - oh well, they claim and claim that doing yoga gives you more energy, so i'm waiting for some more energy.
my left shoulder has become inflamed and sore...right at the joint. it's nothing serious, but it's enough to change my postures. i actually got some mirror space today (prime real estate) and noticed that my posture is changing to compensate for my lack of ability to move my left arm normally. i am starting to feel the soreness and slight pain spread to my scapula and my upper back...i did take it easy in tonite's class, although only after i already forced my way through the postures that affects my shoulder the most. i'm such a dumbass about things sometimes, my body tells me to let it rest, but my dumbassness tells me to force my way through it...
i've developed a bad starbucks habit. i get a "grande no water chai"...one of the guys who works there knows my drink now....AND i get a 3 cent discount (it comes out to 4.03). wow. the whole milk makes me gaseous, but i can't live without dairy.
speaking of, it's strange how healthy i eat now. i guess first and foremost, i eat more reasonable quantities of food. before i would eat until i couldn't eat anymore, but now i eat a reasonable amount of food. i always liked eating vegetables, but i eat more of them. fruits as well. all in it's raw state most of the times. i've cut down on my meat consumption, no more giant burgers and steaks whenever i feel like it. i haven't had a coke in 4 weeks (i get sparkling water when i crave the carbonation. it isn't ever completely satisfying, but it makes me burp). don't get me wrong, i still love kebabs(gyros), burgers, steaks and fries, i just don't eat it as often. BUT, i am feeling a little too new agey and healthy and uppity, so saturday, i'm gonna go get me a big burger with fries and wash it down with a giant coke.
i guess i'm still a bit frustrated. i'm trying to be more cognizant of my thought process. specifically my tendency to develop certain expectations for myself. when i first got here, the first 2 weeks, i was very present in the present. i was very aware of taking everything as it came. i was relaxed. i did what i could at the moment to my best ability, without any specific expectations. somewhere between then and now, i've lost that. i keep setting these concrete goals and requirements for myself, and in the end, it is leading to frustration. i guess i've gotten caught up in my environment, where many of the people are very comparative and competitive. so long boring thought short, my priority now is to find that presence i had when i first came here. to let go of whatever expectations my mind continues to create for myself. i know that this thought process is wasteful and the root of my frustration (perhaps?).
it is almost friday, one full day and a saturday morning class and it is the weekend! i plan to go hiking and get out of the hotel, out of waikiki, and into some quiet lush greenery up in the mountains...i must say, although i missed class this morning, damn that was some yummy tasty much needed sleep!
my left shoulder has become inflamed and sore...right at the joint. it's nothing serious, but it's enough to change my postures. i actually got some mirror space today (prime real estate) and noticed that my posture is changing to compensate for my lack of ability to move my left arm normally. i am starting to feel the soreness and slight pain spread to my scapula and my upper back...i did take it easy in tonite's class, although only after i already forced my way through the postures that affects my shoulder the most. i'm such a dumbass about things sometimes, my body tells me to let it rest, but my dumbassness tells me to force my way through it...
i've developed a bad starbucks habit. i get a "grande no water chai"...one of the guys who works there knows my drink now....AND i get a 3 cent discount (it comes out to 4.03). wow. the whole milk makes me gaseous, but i can't live without dairy.
speaking of, it's strange how healthy i eat now. i guess first and foremost, i eat more reasonable quantities of food. before i would eat until i couldn't eat anymore, but now i eat a reasonable amount of food. i always liked eating vegetables, but i eat more of them. fruits as well. all in it's raw state most of the times. i've cut down on my meat consumption, no more giant burgers and steaks whenever i feel like it. i haven't had a coke in 4 weeks (i get sparkling water when i crave the carbonation. it isn't ever completely satisfying, but it makes me burp). don't get me wrong, i still love kebabs(gyros), burgers, steaks and fries, i just don't eat it as often. BUT, i am feeling a little too new agey and healthy and uppity, so saturday, i'm gonna go get me a big burger with fries and wash it down with a giant coke.
i guess i'm still a bit frustrated. i'm trying to be more cognizant of my thought process. specifically my tendency to develop certain expectations for myself. when i first got here, the first 2 weeks, i was very present in the present. i was very aware of taking everything as it came. i was relaxed. i did what i could at the moment to my best ability, without any specific expectations. somewhere between then and now, i've lost that. i keep setting these concrete goals and requirements for myself, and in the end, it is leading to frustration. i guess i've gotten caught up in my environment, where many of the people are very comparative and competitive. so long boring thought short, my priority now is to find that presence i had when i first came here. to let go of whatever expectations my mind continues to create for myself. i know that this thought process is wasteful and the root of my frustration (perhaps?).
it is almost friday, one full day and a saturday morning class and it is the weekend! i plan to go hiking and get out of the hotel, out of waikiki, and into some quiet lush greenery up in the mountains...i must say, although i missed class this morning, damn that was some yummy tasty much needed sleep!
Thursday, May 10, 2007
random acts of kindness and how quickly things can change
i was still exhausted in the morning class. i sat out a few postures and tried to shut my pride up and just accept that i was tired and i did want i needed to do for my body. after class, i went to starbucks to study for today's presentation...2 girls i know only well enough to say hi in passing were there having lunch. although i do not know them and they do not know me, they saw me studying and told (not asked) me to come over and study with them. one of the girls is in my group, so she knew that i was having some trouble with the presentations. she sat there for 45 minutes, with her friend, helping me with my presentation. and because of that, i had a good presentation today. it felt good, the whole group cheered really loudly for me. i haven't talked to either of the girls since, but i am grateful for their kindness. it's strange (although it should not be, and perhaps what is really strange is that i find this strange) how a bunch of strangers (to varying degrees and none a total stranger) can find time and energy everyday to keep tabs on each other. i don't mean any serious personal investment, just general respect and looking out for a fellow human being...
the evening yoga class was very hard - hot and humid (redundant) and taught by the teacher who likes to keep you extra long in all the difficult postures. BUT, i set my mind to it and i had a good class. plus the random kindness. plus the good presentation. i had a good rejuvenating, optimistic, healing day (i hope i'm not sounding all new age-y).
i guess i had one of those very subtle insights that ever so softly shows itself for a fraction of a millisecond - it was at starbucks. i sat there alone, studying...and i realized that alot of people from the program who were also visiting starbucks knew my name, would say hi to me and talk to me. i realized for the first time in a long time that people notice me. that i am here. present. and that i am connected to the people around me. that i am interconnected to everything around me. that i can act and cause a reaction. that i can react from another person's action. it seems so stupid, trivial, elementary - but it was an important realization for me today.
i feel good right now as i get ready for bed. and tomorrow when i awake, i will try my best to attempt and to accept my choices and myself and where i sit (literally and figuratively)....i am falling asleep writing this...
the evening yoga class was very hard - hot and humid (redundant) and taught by the teacher who likes to keep you extra long in all the difficult postures. BUT, i set my mind to it and i had a good class. plus the random kindness. plus the good presentation. i had a good rejuvenating, optimistic, healing day (i hope i'm not sounding all new age-y).
i guess i had one of those very subtle insights that ever so softly shows itself for a fraction of a millisecond - it was at starbucks. i sat there alone, studying...and i realized that alot of people from the program who were also visiting starbucks knew my name, would say hi to me and talk to me. i realized for the first time in a long time that people notice me. that i am here. present. and that i am connected to the people around me. that i am interconnected to everything around me. that i can act and cause a reaction. that i can react from another person's action. it seems so stupid, trivial, elementary - but it was an important realization for me today.
i feel good right now as i get ready for bed. and tomorrow when i awake, i will try my best to attempt and to accept my choices and myself and where i sit (literally and figuratively)....i am falling asleep writing this...
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
vomiting and frustration
i ran out in the middle of the evening class, ran to the restroom, and proceeded to vomit my lunch. i rinsed my mouth out, went back to reenter the class. before entering, i asked one of the teachers for some electrolytes. she asked me what was going on and how i was feeling. i told her i just needed to vomit, so i did, and now wanted some pedialyte so i could go back in the room and finish my class. she asked me if my vomiting affected my medication...so i guess all the staff are on alert about me? so anyhow, i went back into class and finished it just fine, other than some yummy acid burps.
later in the evening, i was the 2nd to last to present. i fucking knew my presentation word for word, verbatim. i get up to present it...and it's another story. they told me what everyone keeps telling me, yesterday and today - let your nerves go. they know that i know my presentation...i guess.
anyhow, i'm frustrated. i walked out of a yoga class (which i told myself i would not do) AND i had a shitty presentation. the thing about the presentation is that i used to be good at shit like that. i guess i'll just try my best until i find that again. i know i have it within me somewhere...
later in the evening, i was the 2nd to last to present. i fucking knew my presentation word for word, verbatim. i get up to present it...and it's another story. they told me what everyone keeps telling me, yesterday and today - let your nerves go. they know that i know my presentation...i guess.
anyhow, i'm frustrated. i walked out of a yoga class (which i told myself i would not do) AND i had a shitty presentation. the thing about the presentation is that i used to be good at shit like that. i guess i'll just try my best until i find that again. i know i have it within me somewhere...
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
stepping outside of the yoga bubble
yesterday i had decided that i would stop my medication. i have reconsidered that decision, and as several people (that i really respect and trust) have made it clear to me, perhaps it is not a good decision. one of these people suggested that perhaps i am being arrogant about all of this...i think she is right. for the last 3 weeks, i have been living in a tiny bubble (speaking of, don ho passed not too long ago, i saw the memorial service which took place queen's beach in waikiki. i happened to be biking around there sunday). a bubble of yoga teacher wannabes. energy this. energy that. positive flow this. new age that. hippy here. yuppy there. i'm not knocking anyone or any of this, it's just that i've been in this hotel that is concentrated, saturated, with a group of people who are all in the same one-track mindset, more or less. i guess in my honest attempt to take full advantage of this experience, i kinda lost perspective...long story short, i will not quit my medication anytime soon. not at least during my stay here. i guess at times i am also very impatient and want many things to change very quickly, but i guess that's not something unique to myself. i guess that as much as i realize that impatience, at times i am a bit overwhelmed. i think about the last few years of my life and how quickly those years have passed. it's like tonite. i was reciting the dialogue for one of the postures in front of my group. there were two visiting teachers who were in charge of the group. i gave them my name and they found me in their notebook, and one of them stated "40 hours yoga experience? that's obviously a typo...". i responded meekly, "umm. actually it's not a typo." everyone laughed. i got some wow's. thumbs up. etc. i guess my point is that perhaps what i think is not happening, or not happening quick enough, is happening very quickly.
i have been having this ongoing battle in my mind about my new yoga bubble life. i feel that i need to practice extra hard, study more, pay extra attention, whatever to improve my yoga. on the other hand, to accept that i am new to all of this, and that i should try my best and accept what i do accomplish and equally accept my shortcomings. tonite, i was completely exhausted. i lied on the floor for half of tonite's yoga practice. i contemplated this competitive, ambitious drive that keeps telling me to push harder, faster, quicker...the whole comparitive, competitive, sizing up crap. it's all confusing, but i do have the same mantra from day one. i told myself that i have nothing to lose here, for i came with nothing of what is here. i guess i keep thinking these things, because even in very mundane things in life (like doing a yoga class, memorizing something, presentations, whatever) you can choose to be honest with yourself and accept the state of things (for the moment) or you can beat yourself up over it, which is a bit dishonest. who am i to expect such improvement and perfection in such little time? who do i think i am?
today i had a refreshing step outside of my yoga bubble, brief as it may be, as shallow as may have been, i saw the bubble.
i have been having this ongoing battle in my mind about my new yoga bubble life. i feel that i need to practice extra hard, study more, pay extra attention, whatever to improve my yoga. on the other hand, to accept that i am new to all of this, and that i should try my best and accept what i do accomplish and equally accept my shortcomings. tonite, i was completely exhausted. i lied on the floor for half of tonite's yoga practice. i contemplated this competitive, ambitious drive that keeps telling me to push harder, faster, quicker...the whole comparitive, competitive, sizing up crap. it's all confusing, but i do have the same mantra from day one. i told myself that i have nothing to lose here, for i came with nothing of what is here. i guess i keep thinking these things, because even in very mundane things in life (like doing a yoga class, memorizing something, presentations, whatever) you can choose to be honest with yourself and accept the state of things (for the moment) or you can beat yourself up over it, which is a bit dishonest. who am i to expect such improvement and perfection in such little time? who do i think i am?
today i had a refreshing step outside of my yoga bubble, brief as it may be, as shallow as may have been, i saw the bubble.
Monday, May 7, 2007
another gap...
i had worked out a deal with my roommate, where i would pay for half of the internet connection and he would in return let me use his computer. however, as we have very little time and he is on the computer all the time, we no longer have that deal. i did find a cybercafe about 10 minutes away, but $1 per hour...i'm not going back. i've already blown $20 there and i've only been there 2 times...
i guess alot has happened since the last entry. i will attempt to summarize what i remember as important:
- the one who sits on the throne has a very strong personality. he is rude, crude, hilarious, insightful, misogynistic, a feminist, materialistic, unattached, simple, complicated, short, flashy, and VERBOSE! he has been here for 3 consecutive weeks, teaching the classes and lecturing. apparently that is quite special, so i guess that means he is usually present at the training for less than 3 weeks?. he has however flown off this weekend to tend to other business. i have had several random interactions with him. some in class and some outside of class. we had to present the first dialogue (the actual verbal instructions for the postures) on a mic, in front of the herd. he told me that i had hands down, the sexiest voice in the room. he asked me where i was from (i introduced myself as a korean-texan living in paris). he insinuated that i should stay here...
- my practice is getting much better. the biggest improvement i see is in my breathing excercises. i have never breathed like this, ever. very much related this, i am proud to state that i have not smoked anything in 3 weeks, as of today. i am even more proud to state that i know that i have finally quit smoking. somehow, i know this in my heart. i am improving in my other postures as well. i am becoming more flexible and my endurance is improving. my thighs have gotten very muscular. i noticed that when i put on a pair of my french (meaning form fitting) jeans, and the jeans were VERY tight around my thighs. my hamstrings and butt are EXTREMELY sore. i am able to stretch most of it out during the classes (especially the evening class), but as soon as my body cools down, i tighten up very quickly. the soreness has spread to my lower bag. and last week, my shoulders have become sore and very fatigued. i located that fatigue and soreness to my upper back, especially around both scapula.
- i have come down with something that is like a cold? i do not have a fever, but my sinuses feel as if i am congested. and i am coughing up some nasty mucus. i do not know for sure, but i know that i am coughing up more than 10 years of crap from cigarettes and marijuana.
- i have started getting to know more people, and some people a little better. i have had some great conversations with others, about life, about the program, about yoga...i am still very quiet about my own personal issues. i guess i have always been that way.
- this week, i had to sit out a few postures here and there. i was quite angry about myself, considering that i had been able to complete the classes during the first 2 weeks. i kept finding my mind wandering, and constantly fighting itself - yes you can finish the class. no you are tired, sit out the posture. yes. no. this. that. i could not focus my mind. as i write this, i realize that i had some anger last week. and that anger spilled over into my yoga classes. however, the last 3 classes of the week, i did complete the classes. my mind was still struggling, i was fighting myself, but i did at least make my mind up, and the yes beat the no.
- last nite, i went out to dinner with a group of people, a senegalese-french, 2 colorado people, an aussie, a colombian living in ibiza, a chilean living in vancouver, someone from michigan, a californian...and some other people i can't remember. we went to a "japanese" bbq place. total korean bbq rip off, but anyhow. everyone nervously brought up the question concerning alcohol...to drink or not to drink. in the end everyone drank. i had some beer. we had a great time. we then met up with another group (who also had obviously voted as we had) at a bar. we joined forces and went to a nightclub. we somehow met the owner, got free drinks and a pile of complimentary passes. we all danced until 2 and had a great time. i skipped the optional 10am class, and slept in until 2pm! i was so excited and happy to have slept in. that is the most rest i have gotten since i have arrived here. i know my body desperately needed it.
- today:
i have thought of many things today. i thought about last nite. i had a great time. but i was a bit disappointed that i broke down and had alcohol. i had planned to not do any of that during the training. but i accept it. i can honestly say that it was worth it. i met alot of people, i had a good time, we all blew off some steam. last nite has made me decide a few things today. i will not drink alcohol throughout the remainder of this program. nor will i smoke marijuana. tobacco, i have already quit. this part may worry some of you, but i have decided to stop my medication. before you start worrying and thinking, i want to share how i came to this decision.
- how i came to this decision:
everyone keeps speaking about the purification process of this program. the detoxification. physically speaking. mentally speaking. even the s word (spiritually). and i do firmly believe this. whether modern/western medicine and science ever proves or disproves any of this, i know (for myself) that it really is purifying. i am in detox. i belive the flu like systems that i have and coughing is very much a result of my decision to not smoke and my 3 weeks of being smoke free. i know that i am breathing profoundly and very differently than before. i believe the moments of peace and joy that i am finding is very much a result of my intensive yoga practice. and being in paradise definitely helps! i believe that my body is physically healing. every drop of sweat, i am squeezing out whatever unhealthy things are in my body...EXCEPT, for the prescription pills i am taking. i know, everyone will say that i should maybe ween myself off, and that quitting cold turkey is unintelligent and unhealthy. perhaps it is. perhaps it isn't. but what i do know is, i know somewhere deep inside me, that i can and that i should completely clean myself now. when i can. when i want to. i know that there will never be an opportunity like this one, ever again in my life. i know that i am supposed to be here (and believe me, i do not believe in fate or etc.). i know that this is the best thing i can do for myself. i know that this is the best thing i have ever done for myself. i know that i do not need any crutches to continue my life. i know that ultimately, i know what is best for myself.
i have continued to feel a transformation in my life since the day i decided to check myself into the hospital. sometime during my hospital stay, i had mentioned to several people, that i really do feel that i have a new chance to live my life. that i myself hold what is within my control, within my own hands. perhaps that is redundant, but this is an important realization for myself. i really do feel a sense of continuity from the hospital, to paris, to here...
i have confided this decision, about my medication to one person in this program. for some reason, we met a few weeks ago, and he poured his heart out to me that night. i later found out that he had almost quit the program and left that day - he thanked me for having some kind of influence on his decision to not leave and to stick it out. i am sharing this with him, so perhaps this will quell at least some of the practical worries any of you may have.
i have an anatomy test to study for tomorrow, and many dialogues to memorize.
i will be keeping up with this blog much more regularly. i guess we'll see about that. i leave this entry, open-minded, with an open heart, determined, focused, profoundly sore and tight (physically), optimistic, scared, excited, tired, sore, and sore. and sore.
i guess alot has happened since the last entry. i will attempt to summarize what i remember as important:
- the one who sits on the throne has a very strong personality. he is rude, crude, hilarious, insightful, misogynistic, a feminist, materialistic, unattached, simple, complicated, short, flashy, and VERBOSE! he has been here for 3 consecutive weeks, teaching the classes and lecturing. apparently that is quite special, so i guess that means he is usually present at the training for less than 3 weeks?. he has however flown off this weekend to tend to other business. i have had several random interactions with him. some in class and some outside of class. we had to present the first dialogue (the actual verbal instructions for the postures) on a mic, in front of the herd. he told me that i had hands down, the sexiest voice in the room. he asked me where i was from (i introduced myself as a korean-texan living in paris). he insinuated that i should stay here...
- my practice is getting much better. the biggest improvement i see is in my breathing excercises. i have never breathed like this, ever. very much related this, i am proud to state that i have not smoked anything in 3 weeks, as of today. i am even more proud to state that i know that i have finally quit smoking. somehow, i know this in my heart. i am improving in my other postures as well. i am becoming more flexible and my endurance is improving. my thighs have gotten very muscular. i noticed that when i put on a pair of my french (meaning form fitting) jeans, and the jeans were VERY tight around my thighs. my hamstrings and butt are EXTREMELY sore. i am able to stretch most of it out during the classes (especially the evening class), but as soon as my body cools down, i tighten up very quickly. the soreness has spread to my lower bag. and last week, my shoulders have become sore and very fatigued. i located that fatigue and soreness to my upper back, especially around both scapula.
- i have come down with something that is like a cold? i do not have a fever, but my sinuses feel as if i am congested. and i am coughing up some nasty mucus. i do not know for sure, but i know that i am coughing up more than 10 years of crap from cigarettes and marijuana.
- i have started getting to know more people, and some people a little better. i have had some great conversations with others, about life, about the program, about yoga...i am still very quiet about my own personal issues. i guess i have always been that way.
- this week, i had to sit out a few postures here and there. i was quite angry about myself, considering that i had been able to complete the classes during the first 2 weeks. i kept finding my mind wandering, and constantly fighting itself - yes you can finish the class. no you are tired, sit out the posture. yes. no. this. that. i could not focus my mind. as i write this, i realize that i had some anger last week. and that anger spilled over into my yoga classes. however, the last 3 classes of the week, i did complete the classes. my mind was still struggling, i was fighting myself, but i did at least make my mind up, and the yes beat the no.
- last nite, i went out to dinner with a group of people, a senegalese-french, 2 colorado people, an aussie, a colombian living in ibiza, a chilean living in vancouver, someone from michigan, a californian...and some other people i can't remember. we went to a "japanese" bbq place. total korean bbq rip off, but anyhow. everyone nervously brought up the question concerning alcohol...to drink or not to drink. in the end everyone drank. i had some beer. we had a great time. we then met up with another group (who also had obviously voted as we had) at a bar. we joined forces and went to a nightclub. we somehow met the owner, got free drinks and a pile of complimentary passes. we all danced until 2 and had a great time. i skipped the optional 10am class, and slept in until 2pm! i was so excited and happy to have slept in. that is the most rest i have gotten since i have arrived here. i know my body desperately needed it.
- today:
i have thought of many things today. i thought about last nite. i had a great time. but i was a bit disappointed that i broke down and had alcohol. i had planned to not do any of that during the training. but i accept it. i can honestly say that it was worth it. i met alot of people, i had a good time, we all blew off some steam. last nite has made me decide a few things today. i will not drink alcohol throughout the remainder of this program. nor will i smoke marijuana. tobacco, i have already quit. this part may worry some of you, but i have decided to stop my medication. before you start worrying and thinking, i want to share how i came to this decision.
- how i came to this decision:
everyone keeps speaking about the purification process of this program. the detoxification. physically speaking. mentally speaking. even the s word (spiritually). and i do firmly believe this. whether modern/western medicine and science ever proves or disproves any of this, i know (for myself) that it really is purifying. i am in detox. i belive the flu like systems that i have and coughing is very much a result of my decision to not smoke and my 3 weeks of being smoke free. i know that i am breathing profoundly and very differently than before. i believe the moments of peace and joy that i am finding is very much a result of my intensive yoga practice. and being in paradise definitely helps! i believe that my body is physically healing. every drop of sweat, i am squeezing out whatever unhealthy things are in my body...EXCEPT, for the prescription pills i am taking. i know, everyone will say that i should maybe ween myself off, and that quitting cold turkey is unintelligent and unhealthy. perhaps it is. perhaps it isn't. but what i do know is, i know somewhere deep inside me, that i can and that i should completely clean myself now. when i can. when i want to. i know that there will never be an opportunity like this one, ever again in my life. i know that i am supposed to be here (and believe me, i do not believe in fate or etc.). i know that this is the best thing i can do for myself. i know that this is the best thing i have ever done for myself. i know that i do not need any crutches to continue my life. i know that ultimately, i know what is best for myself.
i have continued to feel a transformation in my life since the day i decided to check myself into the hospital. sometime during my hospital stay, i had mentioned to several people, that i really do feel that i have a new chance to live my life. that i myself hold what is within my control, within my own hands. perhaps that is redundant, but this is an important realization for myself. i really do feel a sense of continuity from the hospital, to paris, to here...
i have confided this decision, about my medication to one person in this program. for some reason, we met a few weeks ago, and he poured his heart out to me that night. i later found out that he had almost quit the program and left that day - he thanked me for having some kind of influence on his decision to not leave and to stick it out. i am sharing this with him, so perhaps this will quell at least some of the practical worries any of you may have.
i have an anatomy test to study for tomorrow, and many dialogues to memorize.
i will be keeping up with this blog much more regularly. i guess we'll see about that. i leave this entry, open-minded, with an open heart, determined, focused, profoundly sore and tight (physically), optimistic, scared, excited, tired, sore, and sore. and sore.
Monday, April 30, 2007
noticing
before the evening class today, an older woman came over to me and thanked me. i had practiced next to her yesterday and i had noticed her crying quietly. as i am always uncomfortable around indivduals who are more or less than happy and calm, i wasn't sure as to what i should do. as i didn't know her, i would stay out of her business. so i was discrete. i kept looking over at her before, during and after class. i laid in savasana for quite a long time after that class...
the woman was that woman and she came to me and thanked me. she thanked me for noticing her. noticing that she was crying. for being compassionate. i had thought nothing of that day, certainly not that she had been aware of what was going on around her. she thanked me for staying in savasana until she started moving again. wow. i had noticed her that day, but it seems that she noticed me more. it was strange. i had never talked to her before. she gave me a big hug and i returned the hug awkwardly...
we never exchanged names.
the woman was that woman and she came to me and thanked me. she thanked me for noticing her. noticing that she was crying. for being compassionate. i had thought nothing of that day, certainly not that she had been aware of what was going on around her. she thanked me for staying in savasana until she started moving again. wow. i had noticed her that day, but it seems that she noticed me more. it was strange. i had never talked to her before. she gave me a big hug and i returned the hug awkwardly...
we never exchanged names.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
oops...a huge gap
with the extremely busy schedule and lack of computer, i have put off the blog for sometime. i have journaled, not daily as i had planned, but at moments. i had every intention of keeping a jounral of my experience here in hawaii but like many good intentions, it has been put off, delayed, postponed. and of course the usual suspaecs as to why i write after almost 2 weeks of my being here.
tomorrow, friday, will mark 2 weeks in honolulu. it is all still very much surreal. perhaps when you are in such a physically beautiful place and space, it seems always a bit surreal. perhaps having come from paris makes it all the more surreal. perhaps it is my constant moving around. in the last 6 months of my life, i have traveled quite a bit. perhaps not so much as travelled (w/plans, a destination, a timeline), but drifted around. aimlessly, with no plans, no destination, no timeline. at least of my own. mountains in the fall. mountains in the early winter. red sandstone mountains, natural hot springs in the early winter's cold, early morning frost. locked up in confining spaces. a home that is not my own. a city of millions and millions and aging landmarks of "history." and now? a tropical paradise in the middle of the ocean. thousands of miles away from every soul that has come and gone in my life until this moment. in a hotel room. living with a stranger from minnesota. in a tourist's corner of paradise, trying to practically and impractically piece my life back together. a critical endeavor, with 300 something other similarly minded (?) individuals, all of us seeking something. perhaps to fill an absence that is in reality, unknown. perhaps they are here like i am here. perhaps it is not the case. regardless, it is a bit like school again. i have not been in such an environment since school - a large group of people in some kind of general synchronicity. i guess in truth, the last time i was with such a group was at the hospital, there was indeed a general synchronicity there as well. perhaps it is because of the fact that i am still drugged up on 5 different prescriptions. i sleep very little, not enough to wake up from the medication. i tire myself with practical knowledge and attempts of introspection...
i keep my mind open, i keep my heart open, and i am trying to keep my body clean.
tomorrow, friday, will mark 2 weeks in honolulu. it is all still very much surreal. perhaps when you are in such a physically beautiful place and space, it seems always a bit surreal. perhaps having come from paris makes it all the more surreal. perhaps it is my constant moving around. in the last 6 months of my life, i have traveled quite a bit. perhaps not so much as travelled (w/plans, a destination, a timeline), but drifted around. aimlessly, with no plans, no destination, no timeline. at least of my own. mountains in the fall. mountains in the early winter. red sandstone mountains, natural hot springs in the early winter's cold, early morning frost. locked up in confining spaces. a home that is not my own. a city of millions and millions and aging landmarks of "history." and now? a tropical paradise in the middle of the ocean. thousands of miles away from every soul that has come and gone in my life until this moment. in a hotel room. living with a stranger from minnesota. in a tourist's corner of paradise, trying to practically and impractically piece my life back together. a critical endeavor, with 300 something other similarly minded (?) individuals, all of us seeking something. perhaps to fill an absence that is in reality, unknown. perhaps they are here like i am here. perhaps it is not the case. regardless, it is a bit like school again. i have not been in such an environment since school - a large group of people in some kind of general synchronicity. i guess in truth, the last time i was with such a group was at the hospital, there was indeed a general synchronicity there as well. perhaps it is because of the fact that i am still drugged up on 5 different prescriptions. i sleep very little, not enough to wake up from the medication. i tire myself with practical knowledge and attempts of introspection...
i keep my mind open, i keep my heart open, and i am trying to keep my body clean.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
2 times a day
i am extremely tired. yoga 2 times a day is not easy. i still feel a bit disoriented. but everytime i do yoga, it makes me feel really good. i really don't know what the hell it is, but it works for me. we had class until 10:30 tonite. i met the other guy from the Paris studio, he was quite nice. he said hello first and said that it was a big surprise to see me there. he asked me if i wanted to teach, i said i am not sure, i have not thought that far. for now, i am here to immerse myself in a yoga world for 2 months. he said he felt the same, but that he may teach once he returns. he is shorter than i am. he has a very strong practice.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
yoga yoga yoga
- the roomie.
They couldn't have picked a nicer roommate for me. Almost too nice. Kinda cheesy nice. I think he wants to play roomie - go shopping together, take turns cooking, study together, etc. Anyhow, he hails from Minnesota. I don't know much about him, but he's coming out of an almost 20 year marriage, with joint custody of 2 preteens. Substance abuse apparently was a big culprit. He seems like a really nice guy who is trying his best to get his life back together. He seems to be a good father to his children. I'm sure that we will get to know each other better with time.
- introductions.
We spent a good portion of the today passing the microphone around so that everyone single one of us could make a quick blurb about ourselves. I think we ran out of time when the mic made it half way around (reminder). There were many interesting stories (some very short, others very detailed and long) of course. Many tales of physical injuries (minor and major), acute and chronic illnesses, emotional/psychological problems, broken familial relationships, divorce, chemical dependency...you name it. Cancer, horrific car accidents involving deaths and serious injuries, scoliosis, blown knees, weight problems. It's interesting to me how some people are very quick to share the most intimate information so readily, amongst strangers. It's also interesting to me how aloof certain persons, including myself, were. Regardless, it is beyond interesting, infact amazing to think that 315 people, despite all of their (i really should say "our") independent problems and tragedies and comedies, were all generally in agreement about the helpful, positive, transformative(?) space that their yoga practice had become to occupy. Ten plus year veterans, six month veterans, medical doctors, social workers, teachers, microsoft "six figure salary" (openly stated by many people), "i sold my home to pay for this program" people, i left my family and kids behind people - all sorts of people. All somehow in some general agreement about the relationship between their well being and their yoga practice. and so began the introductions...
- medication, yoga fashion, and staying hydrated
I also got to meet the beloved of the one who sits on the throne. Since I was forthcoming with my recent hospitalization and a decent cocktail of prescriptions, I was required to speak to her. She asked about my condition, she insisted that i continue my medication. She inquired about my yoga experience. I said 2 months of her yoga and 3 months in total. However she heard "years" not "months" and proceded to ask me more or less, how the hell did you get in the program? so obviously her and the one who sits on the throne don't really pay that much attention to the actual admissions process. Despite how much both of them talk up how selective they are in their admissions process, obviously, they are not the ones selecting. Shouldn't they have known? Perhaps the duchess of the desk (the one who seems to run all the communications coming in and out of the office) and the director (the one who actually organizes and operates the actual training program) felt a soft spot for me or who knows. Anyhow, as I told the duchess and the lieutenant AND the beloved of the one who sits on the throne, I am grateful for the opportunity, regardless of how much money they charge for the opportunity. Ultimately, I am very grateful. Who can say anything about the future with any kind of certainty? But for the time being, I know that this is perhaps the best thing that I have ever done for myself. Of course this exceptional opportunity granted to me also makes me feel out of place. For example, there are two other people from Paris. One of them actually works there. He recognized me, as I recognized him, but I was invisible to him apparently. I said hello one day and he said hello. Then today, he asks me basically, "how the hell did you get into the program?" I explained, persistence. He seemed quite annoyed actually that I was there. He quickly informed me that at the Paris studio, they are VERY selective and it is VERY difficult to get a recommendation. Furthermore, that the studio would not even consider someone with less than one year of experience for a recommendation to the training program. Perhaps he was just being very informative...but in general, I have a feeling that I am undeserving of this opportunity or that I somehow don't belong there...
So all this added even more spotlight and drama to the already competetive atmosphere. I was quite anxious and a bit worried. I made myself nervous with performance anxiety. In my mind, I knew what I kept telling myself was the truth, that nothing mattered except for that I try my absolute best and was willing to accept that my best effort was all I had control of. But nonetheless, my mind was competing with other thoughts, such as: out of 315 people, I surely won't be number one, nor number 315. I guess that is normal. So when it finally came time to "do" some yoga, it got even more tense. Fancy ass yoga mats that are probably more comfortable to lay on then the futon i had been sleeping on, yoga outfits I've never seen before in every color combination you can imagine (AND I wondered if some of those outfits had to be dry cleaned, they were so elaborate there is no way you can throw them in the washer; perhaps they are handwash and air dry only, no iron), designer yoga mat bags (I swear gucci, channel, louis vouitton, etc. should make yoga mats and bags, they would make billions), strange ass warm up excersises that i've never seen before, the sea of ink on everyone's skin, although most everyone's ink is in very visible places regardless of how much or little clothing they are wearing, elaborate water bottles (apparently nalgene is not so a la mode, it's metallic containers which i swear i own one, but it is made to be a reusable liquid fuel canister for my camping burner and hydration systems and methods involving more than one bottle and insulating bottles mixing this and that (much like a chemistry class), the debates between vegans about the best protein sources (apparently soy is out, it has too many hormones that affect your health and mood), the flexible freaks showing off how freakishly flexible they are - I felt a bit out of place to say the least. I think the average yoga experience worked out to 1 to 2 years. So there I was, almost 3 months of hot yoga experience, my cheap ass floral print mat (that stinks, literally), with my cheap ass homemade yoga mat holder (I still think it's ingenious, a student did ask me if I made the mat holder and was tickled that it was homemade), my cheap ass swimming trunks, my crushed and pathetic 1.5 liter disposable water bottle (that I have been recycling and using over and over again) filled with lemon slices, a pinch of sugar and a pinch of salt (apparently that is the cheapass version of gatorade and electrolyte supplements), I felt a bit out of place. Hell, I am trying though. I am eating alfalfa sprouts, onion sprouts, green leaves, and chicken and boring healthy stuff that's cheap, and avoiding all the yummy stuff i love to eat, so no more coke and no more coffee and no more giant bowsl of cereal in bed after giant dinners, no more entire baguettes with ounces and ounces of butter and jam spread all over or croissants and pain au chocolate for breakfast. sniff.
So finally it was time for the yoga showdown. A mad dash for all premium spots (i.e. right in front of the mirror), seriously. People running and pushing and being not very nice so they could lay down there yoga mat and claim there spot. I should just fart nextime people try to take my spot. Anyhow, I did fine. I hadn't practiced for days, but i was fine. The class was not too difficult. They kept the heat down and gave us some extra long breaks inbetween several positions. But hell, I saw people who had been practicing for however many years and people with fancy ass yoga mats and elaborate water bottles and hydration methods and systems who couldn't fucking do the class. I know it's not competitive and I really don't want it to be, but it gave me some confidence and that I do indeed belong in that room. Shit, people were at the first aid table, chugging pedialyte and...I felt fine.
They couldn't have picked a nicer roommate for me. Almost too nice. Kinda cheesy nice. I think he wants to play roomie - go shopping together, take turns cooking, study together, etc. Anyhow, he hails from Minnesota. I don't know much about him, but he's coming out of an almost 20 year marriage, with joint custody of 2 preteens. Substance abuse apparently was a big culprit. He seems like a really nice guy who is trying his best to get his life back together. He seems to be a good father to his children. I'm sure that we will get to know each other better with time.
- introductions.
We spent a good portion of the today passing the microphone around so that everyone single one of us could make a quick blurb about ourselves. I think we ran out of time when the mic made it half way around (reminder). There were many interesting stories (some very short, others very detailed and long) of course. Many tales of physical injuries (minor and major), acute and chronic illnesses, emotional/psychological problems, broken familial relationships, divorce, chemical dependency...you name it. Cancer, horrific car accidents involving deaths and serious injuries, scoliosis, blown knees, weight problems. It's interesting to me how some people are very quick to share the most intimate information so readily, amongst strangers. It's also interesting to me how aloof certain persons, including myself, were. Regardless, it is beyond interesting, infact amazing to think that 315 people, despite all of their (i really should say "our") independent problems and tragedies and comedies, were all generally in agreement about the helpful, positive, transformative(?) space that their yoga practice had become to occupy. Ten plus year veterans, six month veterans, medical doctors, social workers, teachers, microsoft "six figure salary" (openly stated by many people), "i sold my home to pay for this program" people, i left my family and kids behind people - all sorts of people. All somehow in some general agreement about the relationship between their well being and their yoga practice. and so began the introductions...
- medication, yoga fashion, and staying hydrated
I also got to meet the beloved of the one who sits on the throne. Since I was forthcoming with my recent hospitalization and a decent cocktail of prescriptions, I was required to speak to her. She asked about my condition, she insisted that i continue my medication. She inquired about my yoga experience. I said 2 months of her yoga and 3 months in total. However she heard "years" not "months" and proceded to ask me more or less, how the hell did you get in the program? so obviously her and the one who sits on the throne don't really pay that much attention to the actual admissions process. Despite how much both of them talk up how selective they are in their admissions process, obviously, they are not the ones selecting. Shouldn't they have known? Perhaps the duchess of the desk (the one who seems to run all the communications coming in and out of the office) and the director (the one who actually organizes and operates the actual training program) felt a soft spot for me or who knows. Anyhow, as I told the duchess and the lieutenant AND the beloved of the one who sits on the throne, I am grateful for the opportunity, regardless of how much money they charge for the opportunity. Ultimately, I am very grateful. Who can say anything about the future with any kind of certainty? But for the time being, I know that this is perhaps the best thing that I have ever done for myself. Of course this exceptional opportunity granted to me also makes me feel out of place. For example, there are two other people from Paris. One of them actually works there. He recognized me, as I recognized him, but I was invisible to him apparently. I said hello one day and he said hello. Then today, he asks me basically, "how the hell did you get into the program?" I explained, persistence. He seemed quite annoyed actually that I was there. He quickly informed me that at the Paris studio, they are VERY selective and it is VERY difficult to get a recommendation. Furthermore, that the studio would not even consider someone with less than one year of experience for a recommendation to the training program. Perhaps he was just being very informative...but in general, I have a feeling that I am undeserving of this opportunity or that I somehow don't belong there...
So all this added even more spotlight and drama to the already competetive atmosphere. I was quite anxious and a bit worried. I made myself nervous with performance anxiety. In my mind, I knew what I kept telling myself was the truth, that nothing mattered except for that I try my absolute best and was willing to accept that my best effort was all I had control of. But nonetheless, my mind was competing with other thoughts, such as: out of 315 people, I surely won't be number one, nor number 315. I guess that is normal. So when it finally came time to "do" some yoga, it got even more tense. Fancy ass yoga mats that are probably more comfortable to lay on then the futon i had been sleeping on, yoga outfits I've never seen before in every color combination you can imagine (AND I wondered if some of those outfits had to be dry cleaned, they were so elaborate there is no way you can throw them in the washer; perhaps they are handwash and air dry only, no iron), designer yoga mat bags (I swear gucci, channel, louis vouitton, etc. should make yoga mats and bags, they would make billions), strange ass warm up excersises that i've never seen before, the sea of ink on everyone's skin, although most everyone's ink is in very visible places regardless of how much or little clothing they are wearing, elaborate water bottles (apparently nalgene is not so a la mode, it's metallic containers which i swear i own one, but it is made to be a reusable liquid fuel canister for my camping burner and hydration systems and methods involving more than one bottle and insulating bottles mixing this and that (much like a chemistry class), the debates between vegans about the best protein sources (apparently soy is out, it has too many hormones that affect your health and mood), the flexible freaks showing off how freakishly flexible they are - I felt a bit out of place to say the least. I think the average yoga experience worked out to 1 to 2 years. So there I was, almost 3 months of hot yoga experience, my cheap ass floral print mat (that stinks, literally), with my cheap ass homemade yoga mat holder (I still think it's ingenious, a student did ask me if I made the mat holder and was tickled that it was homemade), my cheap ass swimming trunks, my crushed and pathetic 1.5 liter disposable water bottle (that I have been recycling and using over and over again) filled with lemon slices, a pinch of sugar and a pinch of salt (apparently that is the cheapass version of gatorade and electrolyte supplements), I felt a bit out of place. Hell, I am trying though. I am eating alfalfa sprouts, onion sprouts, green leaves, and chicken and boring healthy stuff that's cheap, and avoiding all the yummy stuff i love to eat, so no more coke and no more coffee and no more giant bowsl of cereal in bed after giant dinners, no more entire baguettes with ounces and ounces of butter and jam spread all over or croissants and pain au chocolate for breakfast. sniff.
So finally it was time for the yoga showdown. A mad dash for all premium spots (i.e. right in front of the mirror), seriously. People running and pushing and being not very nice so they could lay down there yoga mat and claim there spot. I should just fart nextime people try to take my spot. Anyhow, I did fine. I hadn't practiced for days, but i was fine. The class was not too difficult. They kept the heat down and gave us some extra long breaks inbetween several positions. But hell, I saw people who had been practicing for however many years and people with fancy ass yoga mats and elaborate water bottles and hydration methods and systems who couldn't fucking do the class. I know it's not competitive and I really don't want it to be, but it gave me some confidence and that I do indeed belong in that room. Shit, people were at the first aid table, chugging pedialyte and...I felt fine.
Monday, April 16, 2007
halfway across the globe to the yoga factory, with baggage in hand (delayed, but better than never)
- getting there.
after a 24+ hr voyage with a delayed bicycle box (this is normal for me, i have an uncanny gift for delayed baggage) and 2 sleepless nights in a quirky (redundant) hostel shared with strange (redundant) people, ants and cockroaches (small babies, but they were not cute), i packed my bike (awaiting the delivery of which was a good half day of saturday's activity) and headed over to the hotel where i would be spending the next 67 days.
- baggage.
i must say, i am quite proud of myself for having left paris with merely a backpack and a yoga mat with homemade carrier. and a big giant bike box. i don't know why i pride myself in minimalist packing. perhaps it is a visual and tangible reminder of simplicity. the simplicity i want in my life. visual, tangible, invisible, intangible, spiri...you know what i mean. simplicity. 67 days. a backpack (a small school type, mind you, not one of those i'm going to europe arei giant backpacks, been there, done that). a yogamat (with homemade carrier). and a 20 year old peugeot bicycle. i finally arrived at the hotel where i would be spending the next 67 days of my life. as i was early, i checked my bag(gage?). parentheses, question mark, because i am not sure if a backpack attached to a make shift yoga mat holder attached to 3 plastic sacks held together by an extra tire can be considered baggage. in fact, the discrete doorman handed me my baggage claim ticket, and on it was written "5 pieces." in fact, when i later went to claim my bag(gage?), another doorman upon retrieving my mass of things strangely bundled together says to me, "wow. you got it to all stay together." not so discrete, but optimistic.
inbetween the baggage checking and claiming, i stood outside of the hotel, watching the guests coming and leaving. baggage (parentheses, but no question mark) coming and going. and i started to see baggage with yoga mats. and more baggage. and more yoga mats. At the hour of registration, a line began to form. which quickly turned into a herd. a herd of yoga trainees. i do mean the herd. 315 of them. i mean, 315 of us. after literally 2 hrs of waiting to register, i entered the yoga room with the fire departments mandatory signage "maximum occupancy 4__" (i will note the exact number tomorrow). a giant yoga room. with miles of lines. and mirrors. and those folding chairs - the kind where you sit on the floor, but there is a back support (what the hell are those called anyways?). a sea of them in a half circle. and at the front, the stage, are a row of regular chairs. and behind the chair, a raised platform. and on the platform, a giant, luxurious, black leather chair. a throne. not jewel encrusted and shiny, but a throne nonetheless. and next to it, a artistic rendition of the one who i assume will be sitting on that throne. correction, the one who will at times be present and i assume will be sitting on that throne, when his busy schedule allows.
since you are now bored to tears, or have long since started skimming what i have written so far, i'll make it quick. all the staff and instructors and the beloved of the one who sits on that throne introduced each other and themselves. and they introduced their baggage. the other kind of baggage. a highly abbreviated presentation of their baggage, the baggage that yoga has helped them pack up for one last time, and leave it behind. or so they claim anyways.
the herd of 315. all 315 of them. i mean, 315 of us. with all our bag(gage). all of us in one giant yoga room. with miles of lined yoga carpet and mirrors. where 315 people with all of our problems and demons and hopes and dreams will sweat. profusely...for 66 days (we did not practice today). a factory of sorts, but a factory nonetheless. a factory that helps people with their baggage. a factory that claims to help you, reorganize, repack, and perhaps lighten the load of your baggage.
i guess that each of us herded into the yoga factory for our own unique reasons. as is their (i mean "our") baggage. it's like at the airport, when you're at the baggage carousel. you see really nice fancy baggage. cheap baggage. broken baggage. dirty baggage. baggage that is so broken that it and the protruding contents have been placed in a special temporary container provided by the airport. some people skip the carousel all together, they don't have baggage. or they have only a little baggage. small enough to be carried on the flight kinda baggage. some people box it. some people lock it up. sometimes your baggage gets lost. at times it is delayed (in my case it is always delayed). you get the point. 315 of us. all with baggage. and some of us, bag(gage).
- the yoga factory.
so i start my yoga monologue. i am critical. i am optimistic. i am open minded. my monologue about the herd of 315. about me. about my baggage. about the yoga factory.
after a 24+ hr voyage with a delayed bicycle box (this is normal for me, i have an uncanny gift for delayed baggage) and 2 sleepless nights in a quirky (redundant) hostel shared with strange (redundant) people, ants and cockroaches (small babies, but they were not cute), i packed my bike (awaiting the delivery of which was a good half day of saturday's activity) and headed over to the hotel where i would be spending the next 67 days.
- baggage.
i must say, i am quite proud of myself for having left paris with merely a backpack and a yoga mat with homemade carrier. and a big giant bike box. i don't know why i pride myself in minimalist packing. perhaps it is a visual and tangible reminder of simplicity. the simplicity i want in my life. visual, tangible, invisible, intangible, spiri...you know what i mean. simplicity. 67 days. a backpack (a small school type, mind you, not one of those i'm going to europe arei giant backpacks, been there, done that). a yogamat (with homemade carrier). and a 20 year old peugeot bicycle. i finally arrived at the hotel where i would be spending the next 67 days of my life. as i was early, i checked my bag(gage?). parentheses, question mark, because i am not sure if a backpack attached to a make shift yoga mat holder attached to 3 plastic sacks held together by an extra tire can be considered baggage. in fact, the discrete doorman handed me my baggage claim ticket, and on it was written "5 pieces." in fact, when i later went to claim my bag(gage?), another doorman upon retrieving my mass of things strangely bundled together says to me, "wow. you got it to all stay together." not so discrete, but optimistic.
inbetween the baggage checking and claiming, i stood outside of the hotel, watching the guests coming and leaving. baggage (parentheses, but no question mark) coming and going. and i started to see baggage with yoga mats. and more baggage. and more yoga mats. At the hour of registration, a line began to form. which quickly turned into a herd. a herd of yoga trainees. i do mean the herd. 315 of them. i mean, 315 of us. after literally 2 hrs of waiting to register, i entered the yoga room with the fire departments mandatory signage "maximum occupancy 4__" (i will note the exact number tomorrow). a giant yoga room. with miles of lines. and mirrors. and those folding chairs - the kind where you sit on the floor, but there is a back support (what the hell are those called anyways?). a sea of them in a half circle. and at the front, the stage, are a row of regular chairs. and behind the chair, a raised platform. and on the platform, a giant, luxurious, black leather chair. a throne. not jewel encrusted and shiny, but a throne nonetheless. and next to it, a artistic rendition of the one who i assume will be sitting on that throne. correction, the one who will at times be present and i assume will be sitting on that throne, when his busy schedule allows.
since you are now bored to tears, or have long since started skimming what i have written so far, i'll make it quick. all the staff and instructors and the beloved of the one who sits on that throne introduced each other and themselves. and they introduced their baggage. the other kind of baggage. a highly abbreviated presentation of their baggage, the baggage that yoga has helped them pack up for one last time, and leave it behind. or so they claim anyways.
the herd of 315. all 315 of them. i mean, 315 of us. with all our bag(gage). all of us in one giant yoga room. with miles of lined yoga carpet and mirrors. where 315 people with all of our problems and demons and hopes and dreams will sweat. profusely...for 66 days (we did not practice today). a factory of sorts, but a factory nonetheless. a factory that helps people with their baggage. a factory that claims to help you, reorganize, repack, and perhaps lighten the load of your baggage.
i guess that each of us herded into the yoga factory for our own unique reasons. as is their (i mean "our") baggage. it's like at the airport, when you're at the baggage carousel. you see really nice fancy baggage. cheap baggage. broken baggage. dirty baggage. baggage that is so broken that it and the protruding contents have been placed in a special temporary container provided by the airport. some people skip the carousel all together, they don't have baggage. or they have only a little baggage. small enough to be carried on the flight kinda baggage. some people box it. some people lock it up. sometimes your baggage gets lost. at times it is delayed (in my case it is always delayed). you get the point. 315 of us. all with baggage. and some of us, bag(gage).
- the yoga factory.
so i start my yoga monologue. i am critical. i am optimistic. i am open minded. my monologue about the herd of 315. about me. about my baggage. about the yoga factory.
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