yesterday i had decided that i would stop my medication. i have reconsidered that decision, and as several people (that i really respect and trust) have made it clear to me, perhaps it is not a good decision. one of these people suggested that perhaps i am being arrogant about all of this...i think she is right. for the last 3 weeks, i have been living in a tiny bubble (speaking of, don ho passed not too long ago, i saw the memorial service which took place queen's beach in waikiki. i happened to be biking around there sunday). a bubble of yoga teacher wannabes. energy this. energy that. positive flow this. new age that. hippy here. yuppy there. i'm not knocking anyone or any of this, it's just that i've been in this hotel that is concentrated, saturated, with a group of people who are all in the same one-track mindset, more or less. i guess in my honest attempt to take full advantage of this experience, i kinda lost perspective...long story short, i will not quit my medication anytime soon. not at least during my stay here. i guess at times i am also very impatient and want many things to change very quickly, but i guess that's not something unique to myself. i guess that as much as i realize that impatience, at times i am a bit overwhelmed. i think about the last few years of my life and how quickly those years have passed. it's like tonite. i was reciting the dialogue for one of the postures in front of my group. there were two visiting teachers who were in charge of the group. i gave them my name and they found me in their notebook, and one of them stated "40 hours yoga experience? that's obviously a typo...". i responded meekly, "umm. actually it's not a typo." everyone laughed. i got some wow's. thumbs up. etc. i guess my point is that perhaps what i think is not happening, or not happening quick enough, is happening very quickly.
i have been having this ongoing battle in my mind about my new yoga bubble life. i feel that i need to practice extra hard, study more, pay extra attention, whatever to improve my yoga. on the other hand, to accept that i am new to all of this, and that i should try my best and accept what i do accomplish and equally accept my shortcomings. tonite, i was completely exhausted. i lied on the floor for half of tonite's yoga practice. i contemplated this competitive, ambitious drive that keeps telling me to push harder, faster, quicker...the whole comparitive, competitive, sizing up crap. it's all confusing, but i do have the same mantra from day one. i told myself that i have nothing to lose here, for i came with nothing of what is here. i guess i keep thinking these things, because even in very mundane things in life (like doing a yoga class, memorizing something, presentations, whatever) you can choose to be honest with yourself and accept the state of things (for the moment) or you can beat yourself up over it, which is a bit dishonest. who am i to expect such improvement and perfection in such little time? who do i think i am?
today i had a refreshing step outside of my yoga bubble, brief as it may be, as shallow as may have been, i saw the bubble.
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